Are You Sure About This?
by lunartick
Summary: Soujiro had been planning to go back to Tokyo eventually, but well... somehow, he didn't think being forced to become a policeman by Saitou was part of his plans... RandR people!
1. A very terrible day

Hi people, I'm back after a long, long time. Eh… this is a humour story, so it is drastically different from my previous Soujiro stories. For people who were looking forward to more of my other kind of Soujiro stories, I am very sorry. However, I have decided that my true calling is in writing humour fics, so why try to deny it? All my drama stories were just experiments anyway, so I have given in to temptation and here is my first ever funny Soujiro fic!

Do read, review and enjoy!

**Are You Sure About This? **

He hadn't decided when, but he had known all his life, that sooner or later, he would have to venture into Tokyo again. In fact, he had planned it ever since… well… ever since he discovered he had grown an inch. Part of his plan had been to walk to Tokyo and just… observe how his former enemies had been getting along. He would not let them know he was in town, of course. That would be… well… quite disastrous, honestly. His plans were not fully formulated, and he had still some minor details to work out.

But he was sure that this was not part of it.

"Eh… sir?" Soujiro tried to peer out of the bars from around his drunken cart-mate, a near physical impossibility. "Sir?"

"What?" the soldier riding next to the driver snapped.

"Well… when will we reach Tokyo?"

"That is for me to know, and you to find out."

Soujiro smiled painfully as he eased back onto his almost non-existent seat on the bottom of the cart and shifted the chains around his ankles and wrists painfully. He had actually no idea what his crime was, but one moment he was sleeping out in the open forest, and the next moment, he was chained up in the jail cart and taken back to the prison in Tokyo. They had not known he was the Tenken; they were so minimally armed he would have been able to take them all out in five seconds – if he hadn't been half drugged when they found him.

Maybe that was his crime. He wrinkled his nose as he observed the cart full of drunken, puking, sleeping men. They had thought he was a drunk, when he had merely been sleeping off the effects of the sleeping dart the assassin he had ran into last night used on him.

Ah. That must be it.

He really didn't know how humiliated he would feel should his former enemies discover the great and mighty Tenken had been finally caught – because he was supposedly drunk.

Ok, cancel that out. He knew how he would feel.

Totally, completely humiliated.

Shifting slightly again, he smiled weakly when he suddenly recalled a particular smirking face from a not too distant past, who, if he remembered correctly, still worked at the Tokyo Police Department.

This was not going to be pleasant day.

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Said smirking face had been smirking at him for five seconds now, and by all manners of etiquette, Soujiro felt he had to say something.

"Hi, Saito-san."

A puff of smoke escaped from the smirk. "Hello, Seta Soujiro."

Smiling harder than he had ever smiled in his entire life, Soujiro mumbled, "Well… I wasn't drunk, really. I was drugged."

"Ah? Is that so?"

"Yes… and well… I am very honoured by your high opinion of my skills but…"

"High opinion? What makes you think that?"

Soujiro stared at Saitou over his smile then looked around at the twenty swordsmen surrounding him in a perfect circle with their katanas pointing straight at his throat.

"Well… I was just assuming…"

"You assume too much."

"Ah." Soujiro's smile weakened as twenty more soldiers formed another circle outside the circle of swords, and aimed rifles at him. "I should think so too…" Outside the circle of rifles, ten men came up, straining and pushing three cannons. "Really…"

"So…" the word dragged out along with a puff of smoke, "how have you been. Seta-san? Not plotting anything, I hope."

"Oh no." Soujiro hesitated. "Well… I had been thinking of dropping by Tokyo and visiting Himura-san…"

"Visiting?"

"From afar."

"Ah… and?"

"Well… I planned it for the summer, but apparently, your men had decided to bring my plans forward." Soujiro determinedly fixed the smile on his face as an army of archers took their place just behind the cannons.

"I see." The cigarette was dropped on the ground and snuffed out, and another one took its place amongst the smirk. "But you have your previous crimes to pay for, of course."

"Eh… I have been doing charity all the time I had been wandering. You can ask the Hokkaido's Home for the Elderly and…"

"Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure." A flick of ash. "But, you see, the law still requires you to answer for it in a legal manner."

"Legal?"

"Oh yes, legal."

"Eh… the way… Kamatari and Chou answered for it?"

"Oh… that is only if you want to take it that way. But our government is good, and there is always the alternative."

"Which would be?"

"Execution."

"Eh…"

"Oh, don't take it that way. The government really is good. Even in execution, you get to choose the way you want to die."

"I don't…"

"Don't reject it so fast, young man. Shukuchi is for running, not for thinking."

"But."

"There are marvelous ways to die, Seta. You have a wide variety to choose from, including hanging, drowning, death by firing squad, beheading, being tortured to death, being tickled to death, being burnt to death, or committing ritual suicide. All are insured of course, so if the first attempt fails to end your life, we take you back to your cell, nurture you back to health then try to kill you again and again until you finally kick the bucket. Never in your life would you ever get such a chance, young man. So, what do you say?"

Soujiro slumped heavily as best he could in his new suit of chains, locks (numerous locks) and long strips of white cloth. "I think I would very much prefer to serve the government than to end my life."

Immediately, the smirk turned to a scowl. "Do you know how much paper work and manpower I would have to put into that as compared to executing you?" the former captain snarled, "You troublesome nut! Why couldn't you have gotten drugged somewhere else other than within my jurisdiction."

Soujirou watched cautiously until the tall, lanky figure had stormed out of sight before allowing a small smile of victory to grace his face. He hadn't gained back all his emotions yet, but the one new vice that he now took pleasure in was being highly vindictive.

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After being stripped off his rags, given a bath and dressed in a new set of clothes (which somehow were highly similar to the ones he had worn previously, just without the dirt), he had been summoned to Saitou's office for a briefing.

As expected, his new boss was not in a very pleasant mood. "Good morning, Seta," he growled in way that inspired no joy at the goodness of the morn, "Sit there and listen the best you can."

"Yes sir," Soujiro chirped. Happily, he flopped down on the chair and smiled, which earned him another scowl and a glare that was quite capable of killing, as proven by the vase of flowers behind Soujiro that wilted away upon receiving the glare.

"You are now in the squad under my command," Saitou growled, "you will be allowed to carry a sword, but you will only kill who I tell you to kill. Your main jobs would include playing messenger boy, spying and maybe a few undercover jobs. When a job comes, I will inform you."

"Yes sir."

"Stop the 'yes-sirring'. It's irritating."

"But all your men do it."

"I order you to stop."

"Yes… eh… ok."

"You will live in the police hostel. There is a room that has been made available for you. You will sleep, eat and basically, live in that room. Under no circumstances are you to leave that room without my permission. Is that clear?"

"What if I need to use the bathroom?"

"Then you will inform the guard outside your room who will then send a letter of permission to me to be read at my pleasure, and it will then be returned to you with a reply as to whether your request has been accepted or denied within a space of three hours."

"…"

"Or you can just use the window."

"Ah…"

"Your meals will be taken care of by the police catering services. There will be sent to your room at specific periods of the day. Three meals, no more, no less. You will have a steady supply of drinking water and tea in your room. No alcohol is to be consumed within the premises. Once a day, at a specific time, you will be led by a guard squad to the bath, where you will take a bath."

"Is that an order?"

"Yes it is."

"Ok."

"If that is clear, then all is good." Saitou leaned back and puffed furiously at his cigarette. "You will find clothes in your room to change into, and your sword has already been delivered there."

"Is it the one you guys took from me?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'm fond of that sword."

"You will be paid by the government, of course. It is a measly sum that is insufficient to fulfill any desires to conquer Japan."

"Eh… that would be?"

"Two yen a day."

"Ah…"

"It is being paid merely to continue the act that you are a mere policeman."

"Who has a guard squad following him around all the time?"

"Of course."

"Eh… so… who's in my guard squad?"

"You've already met then just now."

"Ah…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Isn't anyone going to find three cannons, twenty swordsmen, twenty gunmen and twenty archers following me around highly suspicious?"

"I suppose so, but it isn't my call."

"Ok."

There was a long silence then Saitou sighed in a cloud of smoke. "Don't do anything stupid," he murmured, "Or I will be forced to take extreme measures."

"I don't think I will."

"Good." Taking a paperweight from the table, Saitou bounced it in his hands for a while then threw it at the door, forcing Soujiro to dodge.

"What was…"

"Secretary!" Saitou roared through the hole he had created.

"Yes sir," the nameless secretary said, calmly appearing with his head at the hole.

"Get someone to bring our new recruit to his room."

"As you wish, sir."

Soujiro smiled wryly as he returned his head to its former position. "I guess we will be working together from now on."

"Don't remind me."

"Ok. Just thought I should… be polite."

"I don't do politeness. The red head down at the dojo does. You can go see him and be polite to each other."

"…"

"…"

"I… don't think I will do so. That sounds awfully weird when you put it that way."

"It was meant to. Don't go around telling everyone you are the Tenken."

There was a gasp from outside the door then a random policeman went running down the corridor screaming the identity of the new recruit.

Saitou sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Then he picked up a brick at the base of his table and threw it at the door again. "Secretary!" he roared.

"Yes sir?" the head of the secretary inquired, appearing at the second hole made.

"Get rid of that idiot and make sure no one listens at my door anymore."

"Yes sir."

"So…" Soujiro tried, "I guess I got to keep a low profile."

"As low as possible." They both winced when a burble of gossiping voices floated into the window from the first floor.

There was a knock on the door and Chou came in. "You called?" he questioned then stared at the new recruit.

"Hi, Chou! What a long time it has been since we last met!"

"S… Soujiro?"

"Yep!"

There was a long silence then Chou turned around and was just about to break into a mad run when Saitou cleared his throat. "Take the boy to his room."

Chou shot a dirty look at the man then glared at his former comrade. "Ok. But if I die, the government has better increase my pay."

"Don't worry. I will personally ensure that."

"Good." Chou gestured weakly with his hand and Soujiro trotted out of the door after him.

Saitou smirked and leaned back. He had seen better days, but he had seen worst. After all, what was there to fear from a follower who had lost his leader?

Then he recalled that the follower was the Tenken with supersonic speed, a rare gift in fighting and whose last occupation included being the former right-hand man of Makoto Shishio.

Half a cigarette later and Saitou was back to his old scowling self.

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	2. To the Kamiya dojo

Heh heh heh. The second chapter is up. Thank you to all the people who reviewed. You make me so happy.

Note that Rurrouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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"This is your room," Chou mumbled, waving his arm at the six by eight room, "and that's your clothes, sword… futon in the cupboard…"

"Thank you!" Soujiro chirped, naturally sliding into super-happy mode, "My, what a nice room this is!" He smiled so hard he almost looked like a watermelon split in half.

"You call this nice? Even the prison dungeons look better than this."

"But we have a very nice big window..."

"Oh, the size definitely makes things much easier and less messy."

"_With_ a nice view and a nice breeze."

Chou sighed miserably. "Listen, kid. You are in deep crap now, okay? Stop acting like it's all so… _nice_. Saitou is the worst boss ever. Give him two days… two minutes even and he will have you grovelling on the floor, begging for an execution, which he will then happily deny you."

"Ah, but it helps that I am able to fix a permanent smile on my face all the time."

"Well… yeah…" Chou gave the younger man a sympathetic clap on the shoulder. "You don't need me to tell you this, but… well… smile, it confuses them."

"Ok."

"I mean, it _really_ confuses them. Most of them at least, and sometimes, even Saitou, because he kind of expects you to wilt when he glares."

"Ok."

"Then I'll be leaving you, ya?"

"Ok."

"Bye."

The moment Chou left the room, Soujiro reached out to gently probe his cheek muscles. Smiling non-stop for five minutes or more was apparently the trigger to his instinctual reflex to keep his smile on all the time – and now he couldn't stop.

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The next morning dawned with Saitou stalking towards a certain room on the second floor of a certain police barrack that housed a certain young man with the capability to destroy the whole of Japan in ten minutes or less, depending on whether he used Shukuchi or not.

And this young man was under his command.

Saitou didn't know whether to rejoice or slam his head against the wall in pure agony. He decided to settle for something less destructive.

"Out of the way!" he growled, pushing his way past the archers and trying to circle around the cannons, accurately kicking the cannon-bearers in highly sensitive areas. "I mean it." In perfect synchrony, the circles parted in formation to form miniature circles before flowing back again behind him.

Stomping up the stairs, he stopped outside the room and gestured to the guards to knock on the door.

"Hold on a minute!" a voice called from inside. "I'm using the window!"

Saitou scowled and blew cigarette smoke into the door. "I am coming in at the count of five."

"What? But Saitou-san…"

"You have nothing that I don't have myself."

"Not true! I've got a mole on my butt. Do you have a mole on your butt?"

The guards started sniggering, and Saitou sent them a glare and a cloud of smoke that effectively stilled the giggling.

"Just hurry up!"

"Ok! Ok! Just let me wash my hands!"

In no time, Soujiro opened the door, only to receive a face full of smoke.

Saitou smirked as Soujiro began to cough frantically. "Nasty day, Seta?"

"It was fine," Soujiro replied, in a voice one octave higher than his normal voice.

"How horrible. No time for pleasantries, Seta. We make for the Kamiya dojo straightaway."

At that, Soujiro erupted into another burst of coughing. "Really?" he squeaked, "It will be nice to see Himura-san again. May I ask why we are going there?"

"That is for me to know and you to wonder about till the end of your miserable days."

"So… I wouldn't know what we will be doing there?"

"Yes. You are merely there to ensure that my talk with Battousai gets the necessary privacy."

"Ah… it _will_ be talk only, right?"

"Probably, given that Battousai has lost his taste for battle."

"Ok."

"Good."

They trotted down the stairs and Soujiro smiled weakly when sixty-three sets of different weapons were aimed at him immediately. "Do you think they could…"

"No."

"Ok…" Soujiro touched his cheek muscles again. His smile had been fixed on his face ever since he last saw Chou. The futon had been even more uncomfortable than sleeping on a tree branch, and he had spent much of the night tossing and turning – with a smile on his face.

His eyes wandered as he fell back slightly behind Saitou and he turned to observe his guard squad. For some reason, they didn't seem to have any trouble forming a circle around him while keeping up with his pace. For some probably unrelated reason, they all seemed to look strangely alike.

"Hello," he tried, "I'm Seta Soujiro. But you all know that." He flashed his already present smile, but was faced with blank faces. "Well, since none of you seem to want to introduce yourselves, I shall name all of you Samurai One, Samurai Two etc, followed by Rifle One, Rifle two etc… and well… you get the point." He was answered by silence.

"Hey, Saitou-san!" he called.

"What?" Saitou snapped without looking back.

"Where did you get the men from this guard squad from?"

"How would I know? I just told my secretary that I wanted men who could form a circle and walk backwards, with the optional ability of being able to handle swords, firearms, cannons and bows."

"Ah. Maybe I will ask your secretary then. What's his name?"

"He has a name?"

"Well… I just assumed…"

"You assume too much."

"So I've been told."

They lapsed into silence as they strolled down the street, drawing stares from the early risers.

Soujiro sighed. The weather was cool, still in mid-spring, and there was a very pleasant morning breeze. Yet, things were already going wrong. For one, he was working for a government that he had been taught to despise his entire life. For another, he was walking behind a man who would gladly drag him onto an execution platform and personally strangle him. For last, he was being dragged to visit a man whom he had tried to kill a couple of years ago.

"Do I really have to go?" he tried.

Saitou shot him a glare. "Yes."

"But you do realise how awkward it will be for Himura-san and I…"

"Your comfort is not high on my list of priorities."

"But…"

"Shut up, Seta, before I decide to permanently seal up the window in your bedroom."

"Alright."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Saitou-san…"

"What?"

"I spy with my little eye…"

Saitou groaned and turned on the boy immediately, all sorts of rather crude words bubbling to rush out when he saw that the boy was staring up at him with a huge smile on his face. He hesitated as he tried to decide how best to deal with the situation.

He wanted to slam the smile off the boy's face, but he couldn't quite decide how to do it effectively, given that he had difficulty judging why the boy was smiling. It wasn't a triumphant smile or a challenging smile or a happy smile or a false smile.

In fact, he couldn't quite place the smile.

That was a first for the former Shinsengumi captain.

He continued walking backwards, trying to place the smile in a category so he could deal with the situation.

By the time they reached the Kamiya dojo, he was still thinking.

By then, Soujiro had already decided he owned Chou a very big favour.

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Stopping in front of the Kamiya dojo, Soujiro smiled nervously as Saitou knocked on the door.

"We don't really have to do this, do we?"

"Shut up."

"But…" Soujiro was interrupted when the door was opened by a young man in his teens.

"Oh god, not you," were the words of welcome.

"Oh god, yes me," Saitou smirked, thoroughly enjoying himself, "I need to speak with Battousai."

"Not again. You _know_ Kenshin can't fight…" The young man peered suspiciously around the both of them. "Is that an army behind you?"

"Not quite, but close enough."

The young man glared at him. "What's up with the not quite an army, but close enough?"

"The reason is right next to me."

"Oh."

Soujiro tried to look pleasant as the young man looked him up and down. "Who's he?"

Soujiro smiled even harder now and tried to convince Saitou that keeping a low profile was the best idea anyone had ever come up with in a million and one years with his eyes.

"Seta Soujiro."

Apparently Saitou wasn't good at reading eye-language. Or, he wasn't looking at Soujiro at that moment.

"Oh… hi, I'm Yahiko… wait… Seta… Seta…" The young man froze with his finger pointing at said person. Then he erupted. "Holy crap!"

Jumping back a good ten feet, the young man drew a sword, one that Soujiro recognised immediately – Himura's reversed edge sword.

"You are here to kill Kenshin!" the young man howled, "I will kill you before I let that happen!"

"I can explain…" Soujiro tried, taking a step backwards hurriedly.

With another non-verbal howl, Yahiko leapt straight at Soujiro, swinging the sword in a discomfortingly expert manner.

"Saitou-san," Soujiro said, as calmly as possible, "this might be a very good time to give me permission to use my sword."

Saitou looked down at him.

Saitou's smirk grew wider.

Saitou stepped aside.

And Soujiro slammed his face into his hand in despair and ran for his life.

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The boy was strong and fast, but not really as fast as Himura had once been. Even without using Shukuchi, Soujiro was able to keep well ahead of him. But that did not stop the boy the slightest bit.

And it didn't help that Saitou had ordered him to not leave the Kamiya dojo compound.

"I wouldn't let you hurt Kenshin!" Yahiko roared, "Not the slightest bit! I don't care about all the evil things Shishio taught you, or how pitiful you really are! I will murder you!" He swung the sword and Soujiro yelped and ran faster when the edge of the blade almost caught his trailing clothes.

"Let me explain myself!" Soujiro squeaked, instinct making him smile like a maniac. "I'm not here to kill Himura-san!"

"Liar!"

"Saitou-san!" Soujiro wailed as he made his tenth circle around the Kamiya dojo.

"My advice to you is to keep running." A puff of smoke somehow still managed to cloud his face before he was past said policeman and making his eleventh round around the compound.

"I will kill you!"

"What's all this noise?"

Soujiro groaned when the inner door to the dojo flew open and Kamiya… no, Himura Kaoru emerged from within.

"Seta Soujiro!" Yahiko panted. "He's here to kill Kenshin!"

"Murderer!"

And the next thing he knew, Soujiro was dodging cooking knives, wooden buckets and bokkens in addition to being chased by the young man.

"I'm not here to hurt Himura!" Soujiro wailed, finishing his eleventh round. "Tell them, Saitou-san!"

"Don't push your responsibilities to others, young man. Do the explaining yourself."

"Saitou-san!"

It was fortunate then that Seta Soujiro's saviour appeared, emerging from within the dojo in a slow stately walk.

"Kaoru, Yahiko, do stop. I don't think Soujiro is here to do me harm."

Immediately, the knives, wooden buckets and bokkens stopped and Yahiko skidded to a stop, panting and groaning.

Soujiro looked up and straightened his back nervously as Himura Kenshin advanced towards him, smiling genially, and bouncing a sulking toddler in his arms.

"Hello, Soujiro. It has been a long time."

"Hello, Himura-san!" Soujiro chirped, plunging straight into super-happy mode. "Why, you do look much, much better as compared to the last time I saw you!"

Himura winced slightly. "I see you haven't lost that habit of yours of smiling all the time."

"Oh no, I did, for a period of time. But as you can see, the situation recently has been rather stressful, and I now find myself even more addicted to this then I ever was."

"Well…" Himura tried, "I apologise on behalf of my family… but do meet Kenji." Proudly, Himura lifted the toddler in his arms to eye level. "He's my son. Isn't he cute?"

The little round face gazed up at Soujiro with a half-wit smile on it. Pleased, almost ecstatic to find a friendly face, other then Himura's, Soujiro smiled back (not that he had much of a choice, given the current situation his cheek muscles were in at that moment).

"Hello, Kenji-chan," he cooed, patting the boy on his head gently, "My, my, you look just like your dad." He smiled as the boy stared up at him, marvelling in the innocence and purity that shone in the little boy's eyes.

The little boy smiled back, and grabbed Soujiro's finger and put it in his mouth.

Then he bit it.

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	3. Mafia boss

Hello! I'm back again, a little faster than I thought I would be. Anyway, just to inform all you rapid yaoi-fans out there, **this isn't a yaoi fic** ok? I have nothing against yaoi, but I don't write yaoi, so if you thought this was going to end up being a yaoi fic, I am totally sorry.

Anyway people, read and review, and remember, Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me!

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The twittering of the birds died down as noon drew on and the weather got hotter. Sitting outside the room where Saitou and Kenshin were conversing, Soujiro sipped at the tea that had been offered to him and smiled at the two hostile faces glaring at him from across the corridor.

"This is really good tea," he commented, just to break the ice.

"I'm glad you like it," Kaoru replied, glaring daggers at him.

"It's the only thing she's good at making," Yahiko informed in a menacing tone, and Kaoru bonked him on the head.

"How much longer will they take?" Kaoru demanded, "they have been at it for half a day already."

"Well…" Soujiro put the cup down, "I don't really know actually. The good news, is of course, that we can't hear any sounds of fighting so…"

"Don't play dumb," Yahiko growled, "if Saitou is out to drag Kenshin to the other end of Japan again, he will have to go through us this time."

Biting his tongue to stop himself from commenting about how easy that would be with Saitou's chosen fighting technique, he smiled and raised his left hand heavily.

"By the way, does anyone mind taking Kenji-chan away?"

"Yes, we mind. Kenji's just defending his father."

"Go Kenji."

Soujiro lowered his hand again and smiled painfully as the little toddler continued gnawing at his finger with great enthusiasm. "Kenji-chan, would you prefer to eat a sweet cake instead of biting my finger?" he cooed in as pleasant a tone as possible.

The gnawing stopped for a while as Kenji stared at the sweet cake thoughtfully. Just as Soujiro was starting to celebrate his victory, the toddler shook his head solemnly and went back to biting at Soujiro's finger.

"Good boy, Kenji; never allow yourself to be bribed."

"Go Kenji."

Suddenly, the door behind him slid open, and Saitou and Kenshin emerged from within.

"You're done!" Yahiko cried, leaping to his feet as Kaoru hurried forward to question Kenshin immediately.

"How observant," Saitou scowled, staring distractedly into the sky as if he were deep in thought.

"Hello. Welcome back to earth," Soujiro chirped, opening his arms in a sign of welcome, the toddler hanging on with his tiny teeth.

"Why, thank you… Kenji!" Kenshin hurried forward and detached his son from Soujiro's finger. "I am so sorry, Soujiro! Kenji has taken to biting everything that comes into contact with his…" Kenshin broke off as his son attached himself to his finger with his teeth.

"I see," Soujiro commented, rubbing his wet finger dry.

Kenshin grimaced. "It helps to think that it is a sign of affection."

"Really?"

"Well… sometimes it works – usually when it is not your finger he is biting on."

"I figured. It's working now."

The sound of someone clearing his throat attracted their attention. "Enough socialising. Back to headquarters," Saitou snapped, and Soujiro leapt to his feet hurriedly, his movement followed by the business end of sixty-three different weapons.

"Bye," he said as he hurried out after his boss.

On the outside, he turned to Saitou and questioned, "Do I get told what that was about now or do I really have to wonder about it till the end of my miserable days?"

"You get to wonder."

Soujiro sighed and twiddled his thumbs as he trailed behind the former captain of the Shinsengumi mournfully. "I sort of figured that."

"Then why ask?"

"Can't I even… hope?"

"Were you given permission to?"

"Well… no…"

"Then you've got your answer."

"I see…"

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Back at the headquarters, Saitou headed straight for his office immediately, ignoring Soujiro's presence. At his desk, he pulled out a notebook and started scribbling in it furiously, his cigarette dangling out of his mouth. Soujiro stood in front of his desk, twiddling his fingers helplessly, thankful that his guard squad were waiting outside the police headquarters, yet distraught at having to be alone with Saitou again.

"So…"

"Shut up."

"Ok."

Soujiro waited, trying to read Saitou's inverted handwriting and failing miserably. He wasn't even sure he could read Saitou's handwriting when it was the right-side up. Now that he thought of it, having almost illegible handwriting had to be useful for a spy.

Suddenly, the notebook was slammed shut, causing Soujiro to jump. "What…"

"New mission."

Soujiro hurried out after Saitou as he strode down the corridor rapidly. "Do I have to wonder about this mission until the end of my miserable days?" he questioned with an innocent smile on his face.

"Probably not."

"Then could you…"

"Later."

"When?"

"Once we get to the dungeons."

"Dungeons? We are going to see someone?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

Saitou turned and started down the staircase that led to the dungeons then stopped abruptly. Suddenly, no longer in a hurry, he lazily dragged out his cigarette case and pulled out a new roll, lighting it as he dropped the old one and stuffed it out.

"I will do the questioning later, and you just have to be quiet," Saitou instructed, suddenly drawling instead of snapping, "and act cool. Nothing throws a criminal more than a policeman who acts cool."

"Ok."

Leaning against the railing, Saitou puffed on the cigarette as he thought. "My new mission is to round out a criminal organisation from Shanghai that had been marketing very strong and very powerful weapons on the black market."

"That sounds familiar."

"Yes. That battleship your former boss got was bought from that criminal organisation."

"My, my, what a beautiful coincidence, that Shishio-sama has had correspondences with our new mission!"

Saitou shot his new recruit a glare. "Don't make it sound like it has nothing to do with you."

"But it doesn't!" Soujiro protested cheerfully. "Houji was the one who made all the plans for the battleship. I merely stood behind him and watched."

"And that makes you a criminal as well." Saitou scowled. "That night was one of the most horrible nights of my career, having to ride in a carriage with a screaming, ranting maniac attached to the roof, and that is all your fault."

"Why is it all my fault?"

"Because everyone else whom I could have put the blame on is dead, so you get to be blamed for all of this."

Soujiro smiled sheepishly. "Ok… but it really isn't my…"

"Shut up."

"Ok."

Saitou was silent for a while as he concentrated on breathing in the greyish blue fumes then he sighed and straightened up. "Now, we go and meet our new prisoner."

"Do I get to know the prisoner's identity?"

He was answered by a smirk. "Don't worry, I think you should know the identity of the prisoner."

His curiosity roused, Soujiro pattered after Saitou eagerly as said person headed straight for the VIP cell in the deepest recesses of the dungeons. Saitou gestured to the guards who started the tedious process of unlocking the cell.

The moment the door was unlocked, Saitou grabbed the handle and swung it open, stepping in with a slow and easy walk, Soujiro close behind him.

"Hello, my dear mafia boss. I hope you had a pleasant stay in our very own prison dungeons," Saitou murmured, enthusiastically taking on the job of polluting the air in the cramped, enclosed cell.

"Ha ha," a low, soft voice shot back, "Very funny, Saitou Hajime."

Soujiro peered around Saitou's lanky frame and froze. "Oh my," he chirped, suddenly feeling his stress level shoot sky-high, "What a pleasure to meet you again."

The person peered up from around a mess of spiked white hair. "Oh god."

Soujiro smiled as pleasantly as he could as Yukishiro Enishi glared up at him from amidst a personal wrapping of chains, locks and white strips of cloth, and cursed the day he was born.

For the hundredth and first time in two hours.

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Yukishiro Enishi scowled. In fact, he scowled so hard his veins almost popped up. After running, screaming and wailing for two months straight, he had thought he had finally left the past behind. Now, not only was he faced with one of Battousai's ex-comrades, a figure from his dirty, filthy past as a mafia boss was looking down at him and smiling like he wished he was a million miles away from Japan.

"What are you doing here, Shishio's lackey?" he growled.

"I see you still haven't remembered my name," Soujiro intoned, painful memories floating to the surface, "but at least you were kind enough to use one of your less offending names for me. Thank you!" Did he mention that part of those painful memories included one week's worth in Shanghai of being called "hey", "boy", "speed-addict", "shorty", "smiley", "pretty face" and "paedophile's dream-date"?

"I don't intend to, ever," Enishi growled, clutching his sister's diary to his stomach instinctively.

Saitou puffed some more on his stick, enjoyed a few seconds more of watching the two men glare at each other then cleared his throat meaningfully and dropped the cigarette onto the ground and stuffed it out. "I don't mean to interrupt this heart-warming reunion of evil, but I have some questions to ask you, Yukishiro."

"That attack on the Kamiya dojo was a misunderstanding," Enishi muttered, trying to restrain himself from whining as he fingered the pages of his precious diary lovingly. Suddenly, he tilted his head and stared to his right. "What?" he mumbled. "Well… you can't blame me. If you had told me earlier how you really felt, I wouldn't have gone through all that trouble just to make life miserable for Battousai…"

Soujiro stared at Enishi then turned and stared at Saitou. "What…?"

"The guards said that he had been doing that the whole day," Saitou whispered back without moving his lips.

"It's true!" Enishi was wailing. "Please don't frown at me like that! You _know_ I can't take it when you frown like that… stop! Stop it! Don't make your eyebrows do that… don't… no… no… don't! Arg! Ok! Ok! I get it… I get it…" Pulling a surprisingly childish pout, he turned and glared at Saitou. "I'm sorry I was so evil," he snapped, "Please forgive my evilness. Will that do?"

Saitou raised an eyebrow and repeated his ventriloquist act to Soujiro. "Don't say anything that could antagonise him and slowly back to the doorway." Both of them started walking backwards slowly.

Enishi glared up at them. "What?" he demanded. "I have a conscience, you know? It's usually quiet but it's still there."

"Of course, of course," Saitou said smoothly in his best medicine-seller tone, "we all know that, Yukishiro-san. Don't we, Seta-san?"

"Of course, of course!" Soujiro said brightly, in his best placating lackey-tone, "You definitely have exactly what you think you have, Yukishiro-san!"

Stroking the diary, Enishi frowned at them and tried to estimate the level of sincerity that was present in their attitude. Proving that he is a really bad judge of character, he decided that they were being sincere and slouched back down onto the floor. "What are you doing, disturbing me here anyway?" he growled in a less hostile tone.

Deciding that they had reached a suitably safe distance, Saitou stopped moving and lit another cigarette. "Well, it is basically because we are still rounding up members of your previous syndicate, Yukishiro… san."

"And that means what to me?"

"We… the government in general and a whole lot of other people would actually like to ask you certain questions as to regarding the… organisation and methods of your syndicate. We know a lot – but not enough."

"And why should I? What do I have to gain?"

Saitou blew smoke into the air and reminded himself that he was dealing with a former mafia boss who was probably very well versed in the art of making trade. "We can discuss those things."

"Don't I get to consult with someone?"

"Actually, there is a law that allows you to do so."

"Wait a minute!" Soujiro interrupted. "How come you never told me that?"

"That's because you never asked."

"What…"

"Shut up."

"But…"

"Douse it, cute-ass. I'm talking to the tall guy here."

Soujiro blanched. That was one name he had failed to remember… no… _forced_ himself to fail to remember.

"So," Saitou went on, regaining his previous calm and coolness, "Who would you like to hire as your consultant?"

"Well…" Enishi paused, "My sister would be good."

Saitou stared along the rapidly decreasing length of his cigarette and thought quickly. "The law requires the person to be alive and visible to other people other then yourself… and possibly Battousai."

Now it was Enishi's turn to blanch as he thought harder. "Well… I…" He turned to his right again and muttered, "They wouldn't let me choose you! Why? They are being so… so… dead-ist. Who ever said a dead person can't be a consultant? Isn't that unfair… what? Ok… ok… I'm sorry."

"Actually," Saitou said as kindly as he could, "There is someone who had volunteered to be your consultant."

"Really?" Enishi stared suspiciously at him. "Who?"

"Battousai."

Enishi turned paler than his hair and he gripped the diary possessively. "No way. I'm not meeting him."

"It's ok," Soujiro piped up, "I met him today and he was really nice, though I must admit, his family is a little… rabies."

"I don't want to meet…" Again Enishi broke off and stared disconcertedly to his right. "But… but… no! I mean… it's not that I still hate him… not really… it's just… I kind of screwed up his life, didn't I? And… what? I am _not_ afraid of him! Oh… no… don't… don't cry… don't… ok! If you want me to, I will go _face_ my _guilt_…" He stared mournfully at the diary. "Bring him on."

"Good." Saitou smirked suddenly. "Seta, Battousai's waiting in the police lounge now. Go fetch him."

"What?" Soujiro and Enishi yelped at the same time.

"Don't!" Enishi wailed. "I'm not… not ready!"

"What do you mean, you're not ready?" Saitou demanded, sounding highly amused. "It's not like you need to don a kimono and powder your nose before you meet him."

Enishi glared. "It's not that! I'm not… not… _emotionally_ prepared."

Saitou rolled his eyes. "Of course, you've got another choice," he said, suddenly brightening up, "you could choose to be executed…"

"No," Soujiro and Enishi muttered at the same time.

"But you haven't even heard what I have to…"

"You don't want to," Soujiro mumbled, "it makes you feel that it is a miracle anyone lives past the age of two."

"Just get that ass… I mean… really, really nice guy down."

"Straight away!" Soujiro yelped and turned to Shukuchi away before Saitou could turn around and decide that it might be better to run this errand on his own.

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	4. In where the Wolf showsdown with Himura

Heh heh heh heh heh… Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me except in my deepest, darkest fantasies… heh heh heh heh heh…

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After accompanying Himura down to the dungeons in a slow, stately walk, Soujiro and Saitou and stepped just outside the doorway to give both consultant and client some privacy while still eavesdropping on them.

"Hello, Enishi," Himura was saying, "It has been a very long time."

"I wish it could have been longer… what… ok! Ok! Sorry about that."

"That is no problem. It is good to see Tomoe again too."

"Yeah, yeah. Do you need me to join the two dudes outside so you and nii-chan can have a talk?"

"It is ok, Enishi. There is nothing we wish to hide from you. Thank you for your kind suggestion."

"Yeah… whatever."

Saitou puffed maniacally on his cigarette as he stared into the distance and Soujiro smiled maniacally as he stared into the ceiling.

"So anyway," Enishi went on then paused. Soujiro imagined him consulting his sister again.

"Anyway," Himura said smoothly, "What happened to you after you escaped from the police ship? I never heard anything from you after that."

There was another long silence then Enishi muttered, "Well… I read the diary on the ship and got totally, totally depressed. So I grabbed a boat and rowed out… what? Do I have to tell him… ok… ok… alright. I rowed out, screaming and wailing and blabbering about how cruel the world was to me and ended up in some beggar dump."

"Beggar dump?"

"Yeah… then eventually I got tired of sitting around so I left and… ran right into a whole squad of policemen."

"I see."

"Great piece of luck, huh?"

"It is good you see it that way."

"Do you know how to spell 'sarcasm', Battousai?"

"This is a wonderful time for atonement. Once you are able to smile at the world, you will regain Tomoe's smile."

"Really?" Now Enishi sounded eager. "Is that why nii-san smiled at you the last time? Nii-san refuses to smile at me… and she has learnt a new trick with her eyebrows that is… is… is…"

"Traumatising?"

"Exactly."

"It's the trick where she does this then this then this, isn't it?"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"When I was in the beggar dump, she kept doing it to me."

"Oh… so…"

"Would you like to see her smile again?"

"Yes! God, what I would give to see her smile again!"

"You wouldn't need to give much to see her smile again. You just need to be happy and atone for your sins."

"Ok. Ok. So… what do I do now?"

"I think that you should help Saitou round up your mafia group, Enishi. Cut a deal with him and join the police…"

"No!" Saitou roared suddenly, "I refuse to cut any kind of deal that includes him joining the police force!"

Himura appeared at the doorway. "But Saitou…" he began.

"No! He is fundamentally evil."

"He is my brother-in-law."

"_Ex_ brother-in-law."

"I have to take care of him now that his sister is gone."

"She doesn't _sound_ gone."

"If he doesn't join the police force, where will he go? What can he do? Providing information is not enough to keep him from the death penalty and you _know_ that, Saitou."

"Then execute him! There are many marvellous ways to die…"

"Death is not an option."

"You _lived_ through the Revolution, Battousai! You know that death is an option, especially for the evil!"

"That is another statement that I protest. Enishi is not evil!"

"What the… don't you remember all the hell he put you through?"

"That was a misunderstanding."

"Stop acting like a saint, Battousai, it doesn't become of you."

"I am not a saint, Saitou, but that doesn't mean I should agree with you all the time."

Soujiro leaned against the door frame as Enishi hopped up eagerly to watch the verbal showdown between the two long standing enemies.

"What can you do anyway, Battousai, if I refuse to allow that evil within the cell to live?"

"You still call me Battousai, Saitou, that should be enough. That name alone could sway a dozen politicians."

"You would do such a degrading thing, Battousai? I thought better of you."

"If that is what it takes to save a human life, I would not mind dragging my name through mud and dirt."

"But that human life you would save is no more than mud and dirt. Why do you always try to stop me from carrying out my philosophy."

"That would be because it is against _my_ philosophy."

"And why should I care about _your_ philosophy?"

"I should be the one asking you that question."

Enishi quirked his eyebrow at Soujiro. "I heard Battousai's lost almost all his skills, but his aura is still strong." He grinned a happily delirious grin. "Nii-san is smiling… not at me, but I'm in the line of fire…"

Soujiro gave him a placating smile. "I'm sure, Yukishiro-san," he said cheerfully then changed the subject rapidly, "I never expected the final showdown between the Wolf of Mibu and Hitokiri Battousai to be an argument about the merits and demerits of the death penalty." Both of them shared a mildly friendly chuckle at that thought.

"My philosophy is superior!" Saitou was growling, his hand tightening around the hilt of his sword as his voice level raised slightly but still under control, "Aku Soku Zan is the one thing that kept me alive all this time. It is the truth!"

"That is not true, Saitou. Death should be avoided at all costs. With life, at least one can still make atonements for his or her sins."

"With death, all sins are forgiven, for death is one of the best ways to atone for a sin."

"Why do you insist on death when it will bring nothing more than sorrow and pain, Saitou? Has Enishi not been punished enough?"

"Battousai, I brought you here to convince that Evil to cooperate and spill his guts, not protest against me punishing him!"

"Enishi deserves a second chance."

Enishi nudged Soujiro with his shoulder, it being the only part of his body he could move with ease. "Who do you think is going to win?"

"Well… it is hard to say…" Soujiro smiled into the distance, "Himura-san sounds like the better negotiator…"

"Because slit-eyes always negotiates with the business end of his sword, I would say."

"I suppose… but Saitou-san believes fully in his philosophy so it is possible he wouldn't relent. And, of course, Saitou-san has proven himself to be remarkably resourceful, and may be able to turn the tables on Himura-san somehow."

"I've never heard slit-eyes argue so much before," Enishi observed, "Usually he just shrugs and walks away."

"Perhaps it is because this is the only way he can spar with Himura-san now."

"Probably. Doesn't want to lose to Battousai either way, I bet."

"Shut up!" Saitou growled, obviously inflamed now.

"Oh don't be angry," Soujiro protested cheerfully, rubbing the back of his head, "It makes your wrinkles more obvious," then gave his best blank smile, which seemed to throw Saitou off again. The policeman thus reacted by turning back to Himura to continue their previous argument.

"How did you do that?" Enishi whispered in a tone filled with awe.

"Smile, it confuses them." Soujiro held out a victory sign.

"Cool…" Both of them shared another friendly chuckle then stopped because it was becoming too awkward.

"Fine!" Saitou snapped suddenly, causing the both of them to jump. "Go look for the Minister then! If you can convince him then I will have nothing more to say."

"Excellent," Himura replied, smiling pleasantly, "Thank you very much for being so understanding, Saitou."

Saitou grunted and lit up another cigarette, obviously trying to regain his cool. "You are an idiot, Battousai," he finally muttered in his usual tone of voice, "One day you will end up dead because of your stupid philosophy." Then he turned and stormed away, gesturing for Soujiro to follow him.

Gulping, Soujiro did as ordered, and wondered if this was the one order that was going to get him killed.

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"That idiot," Saitou was muttering as he flopped down on the couch in his office, "fool, moron, jerk. Hasn't he ever considered the fact that the reason I refused to fight him years ago was because of this ridiculous philosophy of his?"

Soujiro sat at the furthest chair from the couch and smiled as blankly as possible, deciding for once that silence was not just golden – it was the best idea anyone had ever come up with since the dawn of humanity.

"Of all the bumbling idiots in the world," Saitou went on, his voice still quiet but brimming with rage, "It would have been impossible… impossible for me to have ever imagined that the Battousai… _the_ Battousai could ever, ever come up with such a ridiculous, stupid, moronic, rooster-head philosophy. Okita would have turned in his grave a _million_ times."

Soujiro twiddled his fingers as he felt his smile widened with tension.

"The world needs the hitokiri, even now in this time of seeming peace. It is essential. Evil never vanishes, and when one runs into evil, it is one's duty to destroy it immediately."

Now, Soujiro was forced to look out of the window, twiddle his fingers and smile so hard his cheek muscles hurt. In fact, he was so busy staring out of the window he didn't notice Saitou was glaring at him until said policeman blew a lungful of smoke into his face.

"What are you doing here?" Saitou snapped, in a tone that suggested it wasn't the first time he was asking this question.

"What? Well… you asked me to follow you just now…"

"I did?" Saitou gave him a suspicious look.

"Yeah…"

Grunting, Saitou returned to his desk and leaned back calmly, acting like nothing had happened. "We will deal with the syndicate based on how our… deal with Yukishiro Enishi and his moronic consultant turns out," he said, his voice blank and calm.

"Ok," Soujiro said cautiously, "If Yukishiro-san decides to cooperate, how will our course of action go?"

Saitou shot him a look. "It depends on whether his cooperation comes with the terms of working under me as a policeman or not."

"If it does?"

"I'll think about it."

"If it doesn't?"

"I'll still think about it."

"Ok. Then what if he doesn't cooperate?"

"Then we execute him."

"Ah…"

Saitou shot him a look. "I do not have the habit of letting people know my plans beforehand. Go entertain yourself. I have work to do."

"Don't I have work to do as well?" Soujiro tapped his toe nervously against the floor.

"Not until I tell you so."

"Ok…" Soujiro hesitated outside the door. "Does this mean I have to go back to my room."

"That or stay in headquarters and make yourself useful."

"Ok."

Soujiro closed the door behind him and thought about windows, lumpy futons, sixty-three weapons and police work then headed towards the inner office to locate someone who could give him something to do.

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"Here is your tea, Secretary-san!" Soujiro chirped, hurrying up to the secretary's desk with a teapot and a cup of tea.

"Thank you, Seta-san," the secretary said politely as he went through the tedious work of making reports based on notes written by Saitou.

"You're welcomed!" Soujiro twittered happily. "Is there anything else I can do?"

Before the secretary could react, there was a loud noise, much like the sound of a brick making another hole in Saitou's office door. "Secretary!" came said person's voice.

With a face as calm and blank as a very calm and blank object, the secretary made his way to the office doorway. "Yes sir?" he inquired politely.

There was a mumble of voices as Saitou conversed with his secretary. Then the secretary emerged, looking amazingly calm and collected.

"What is it, Secretary-san?"

"He wants me to draw up both the death warrant and recruitment form for a Yukishiro Enishi," the secretary said, "I expect he wants to recruit this young man then kill him."

"Or he wants to save time and kill him then recruit him."

A very faint smile broke the blank surface, but vanished almost immediately. "Possibly. I am convinced that he is convinced that Yukishiro Enishi is the spawn of evil."

"I see," Soujiro remarked dryly then hesitated. "What about me? How come he isn't trying that hard to kill me?"

"Actually, the moment we got news that you have been arrested, he told me to go hire an executioner and prepare the noose as well as the axe."

"Oh…" Soujiro thought about that as he poured a cup of tea for himself. "And I thought that it was because I am not evil…"

"Oh, I have discovered that Goro-san is quite stringent in his definition of evil."

"Really? What is it?"

"Anyone who once worked for anyone who was against him who is still a potential hazard to society."

"Ah… but that would be… almost everyone."

"Exactly. It explains the state of his face."

"The wrinkles?"

"The three different sets of expressions he has."

"Oh… the neutral, the smirk and the…"

"Pissed. Precisely those three."

"I see…" Soujiro leaned against the secretary's table and tapped his toes thoughtfully. "He sounds like a really twisted soul."

"Does he?" a deep voice growled from behind.

Soujiro froze, suddenly feeling like a foe trapped in the fierce glare of a wolf. Terror coursed through his veins, and his heart beat sped up dramatically. This was one of those events in life where one had to make a split-second decision that would decide whether one lives or dies. In such a situation, there was only one thing Soujiro could have done.

He turned around with his best blank smile and went into full Shukuchi mode – verbally.

"Why, Saitou-san! What a pleasant day it is! Have you finished your work? What are we going to do now? Is it true that you are married? How many kids do you have? Is it true that you once killed fifty Imperialists all by yourself without any help from anyone other than a kitten you were trying to save from drowning? Is it true that the kitten actually scratched out the eyes of the imperialists? Is it true that your hair isn't real, but a really badly made wig? Is it true that you once stabbed out a man's eye with your feelers? Is it true that you are afraid of your father-in-law? Is it true that you chose a high-speed piercing technique such as Gatotsu which reduces your peripheral vision because you have really tiny eyes? Is it true that your eyes are not yours but eyes you plucked off one of your greatest enemies of all times? Is it true that you once eloped with a member of royalty once? Is it true that you aren't human but the spawn of an ice-man and a koorine? Is it true that your blood is as cold as ice?"

Saitou stood frozen, his cigarette burning between his fingers, his mouth opened slightly, the rather abusive words he had been about to sprout forgotten as he tried to process what was being asked. Slowly, he tried to sort out the individual words and sentences.

Finally, he came up with the best answer he could. "Huh?"

Soujiro smile widened inhumanely. "What are we going to do now, Saitou-san?"

Saitou put the cigarette automatically into his mouth, eyes staring into the distance, still trying to sort out Soujiro's speech. "We're going to ask Battousai for his client's answer now. They have had more than enough time to reach the Minister and ask for permission."

"Oh ok. So are we heading for the dungeons?"

Saitou grunted again, his brows still furrowed in thought as he wandered in the direction Soujiro had gestured.

Behind his back, Soujiro flashed a tiny victory sign at the secretary. His technique of escaping abuse by figures of authority had never changed ever since he was a child.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.


	5. The greatest earthly pleasure

Heh heh… apologies for the long wait, but I've really been stuck! I can't seem to find any humour in the cold, bleak world (I just got back my A-level results, so what do you expect?). Anyway, I kind of managed to scrape this chapter together… If it is any comfort, my other fic, Why Wouldn't It Stop Raining hasn't been updated even longer than this fic. Heh heh heh… please don't kill me!

Anyway, Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me – ever! If it did, I wouldn't have any reason to be upset about my A-level results, and what it means for my future career…

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Himura Kenshin had gotten his way. According to a very gleeful Enishi, it had taken a lot of glaring and reminiscing, and even numerous quiet, philosophical, saintly, not to mention, long-winded lectures, but he had gotten his way.

Soujiro couldn't quite get himself to be as enthusiastic as his current cell mate, whom he was supposed to "entertain" while the "adults" were off in Saitou's office settling the deal. He had been quite aggravated when Saitou had locked the cell with a smirk, waving aside his protests with a , "But legally, he is still a criminal so I have to lock the cell." Oh, and did he mention that said policeman had ordered the guards to release Enishi from his wrapping of chains, locks and white sheets?

His cheek muscles have given up the struggle and were now cemented in a permanent broad grin which was anything but happy.

"And anyway," Enishi was going on, seeming happy to have someone to talk to other than his sister, "You should have seen that bloody Minister's face. He was all like 'Battousai! Oh my god, you are Battousai!' God, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants." He paused expectantly.

"Uh… ok."

"Don't you find it funny?" Enishi asked, suddenly glaring and moody.

"What?"

"You have to find it funny," Enishi growled, suddenly becoming very menacing, "Nee-san said that I must find happiness in giving to people other than her. You must find it funny or I will murder you!"

"It's funny, it's funny," Soujiro blurted, waving his hands and giving a strained little laugh, "Of course it's funny! See? I'm smiling like a maniac."

"You smile all the goddamned time, bamboo-boy. You have to laugh!"

Soujiro forced himself to laugh then quickly asked, "By the way, what did your sister tell you to do about this happiness thing?"

Immediately, at the mention of his sister, Enishi's mood swung dramatically to sunshine mode. "Oh, you know how nee-san is," he began, "She says all this really, really smart things that are really difficult to understand because _no one_ is as smart as she is, but I swear I'm trying." He smiled fondly to his right. "And anyway, nee-san said that I have to drop my glare and cold demeanour and be friendly to people. Was I friendly just now?"

"Huh… well… of course, I mean, yes! Friendly! Definitely friendly! Nothing short of the friendliest friendly one can get."

"Thank god," Enishi breathed and went on, "Anyway, she said I have to talk more, so I'm talking more then she said that you and I are in the same predicament so we should stick together. Oh, and she doesn't trust slit-eyes because he tried a billion and one times to kill Battousai, I think and… well… what else? Oh yes, she said that I should smile more, that I look friendlier and more good-looking when I smile. See?" Said person's cheek muscles started to ripple as something that looked vaguely like the expression you would find on the face of a shark after it has just had an encounter with a reef wall formed.

"Uh…" Soujiro tried, "Good try." Then he paused. "Eh… did you just say that we should stick together?"

Suddenly the cell door was flung opened. "I'm glad you feel the same way," Saitou said, stepping in with Himura trailing behind him. Soujiro watched Himura's face cautiously. It was twisted in an expression that screamed, "They aren't going to be very happy with what they are about to hear!"

"What did you mean by that?" Enishi asked.

"I decided," Saitou went on, smirking happily, "that it will be a complete waste of resources to find two separate guard squads for both of you. That means you have to share, which means the both of you will have to stick together whenever you go out."

Enishi and Soujiro exchanged looks. They could think of worse, but they could also think of much, much better. After all, what's to stop them from staying _indoors_?

"Ok."

"I foresee no problem."

"Which of course means that the both of you will have to work together on every single case."

"What?"

"No!"

"He doesn't know a single thing about _working_!" Soujiro wailed, and Enishi attempted to bash him in the head.

"What do you mean by that, paedophile's dream date?"

"What… you… you… you…" Soujiro faltered and decided that smiling was the safer option.

"What?" Saitou cut in, looking decidedly smug with himself. "I thought the both of you should stick together against the big, bad Wolf of Mibu."

He was greeted by silence and two hostile looks.

"Of course, this means that there will be a sort of buddy system between the two of you. You two keep tabs on each other, and if one screws up, both will be punished, probably by a slow and painful death, most likely, carried out by me."

"Oh no…" Soujiro mumbled.

"What does my consultant say to that?" Enishi demanded.

"I tried," Kenshin sighed, "but on that, the Minister was on Saitou's side. Anything to make the former captain of the Shinsengumi happy." Now the expression on Kenshin's face was one that screamed 'They aren't happy, just like I predicted, and it is time I got my ass out of here!'

"You loser!" Enishi screamed, his nerves starting to pop up. "You're deliberately screwing me up!"

But just before Enishi could murder Kenshin, his sister spoke up. Within seconds the deal was set, and the best Soujiro and Enishi could do was sit around and glare at each other while Saitou smirked and thanked god he was the smartest man alive.

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Soujiro flopped down on his futon and regretted it immediately when he felt his body come into contact with various parts of the futon, of which he was sure weren't supposed to exist in any kind of futons. Groaning in pain, he shifted around until the hard parts were pressing against the less bruised areas of his body. Sleep had been hard to come the night before, and he had a feeling it would be worse tonight.

Yukishiro Enishi was sleeping next door.

_Thump!_ "Nee-san! Why wouldn't you let me kill him? What… but… but… he deliberately screwed me over! I swear he… ok… ok…"

Ok, scratch that. Yukishiro Enishi was next door and still wide awake.

That made things a hundred times worse.

Trying desperately to see the bright side of things, Soujirou got up and headed for the window. At least his window faced a relatively secluded alley, and was big and allowed for a brilliant view of the night sky.

Whistling, he was just starting to pull up his pants when he heard a scandalised gasp to his right. Startled, he turned to the right and observed in sheer terror, the comical sight of Yukishiro Enishi glaring at him with his hands in the process of removing his pants.

"What are you staring at, gay-boy?" Enishi shrieked, and Soujirou turned red.

"I wasn't staring," Soujirou protested back, "I'm doing exactly what you plan on doing! And I'm not gay!"

"Why the hell is your window exactly where I can see into from my window?" Enishi screamed back. "How am I suppose to do my business when there is someone else staring directly back at me? Hell… how am I supposed to do my business when I have to stare at someone else doing his business?"

"How would I know?" Soujirou wailed, the impact of their situation hitting him like a ton of bricks with Iwanbou on top. "I didn't plan it this way!"

There was a long silence as they stared at each other. Then Enishi growled. "Saitou Hajime."

"I'm starting to doubt Himura-san got anything past his ears."

"He's deliberately tormenting us…"

"In the hope we will beg for an execution…"

"Which he will then deny us…"

"Just like Chou warned me!"

Both of them nodded in comprehension for a while then Enishi glare at Soujirou. "Get your ass back in your room, gay-boy, and if you even dare to _think_ about peeping, I will personally ensure your execution comes about."

"I wouldn't peep, but why do you get to go first?"

"Because I said so."

Sulking now, Soujirou returned to his room and flopped back down on his futon again.

And regretted it for the second time that night.

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Enishi blinked twice and took an instinctive step back as the moment they stepped out of the house, he was confronted with the business end of sixty-three different weapons.

"Is that…"

"Yeah, our guard squad."

"Why…"

"He thinks very highly of us."

"He…"

"Oh, he wouldn't admit it alright."

"Where…"

"You've got to ask the secretary."

"What…"

"Who said he has a name?"

"I…"

"You assume too much."

"Can I at least finish one sentence, pretty boy?"

"You just did!" Soujirou replied, chirping as happily as the little birds nesting in the tree above them. "But I answered all your questions, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. How did you read my mind anyway?" Enishi looked more than a little annoyed.

"Oh, it helps that for the most of my life, I was the right-hand man of a rebel boss. I discovered most of their minds work in the same manner."

"Are you stereotyping me, pipsqueak?"

"Oh, no sir. I am merely stating my humble opinion."

"You are forgiven, as you have proven that your loyalty holds true over our oaths of the Triad."

There was a long silence then Enishi glared as Soujirou smugly indicated that he had just proven his point. Thus Enishi decided that since he had already proved Soujirou's point, he might as well take things further and give Soujirou more proof that he, Yukishiro Enishi, was a true-blooded mafia boss with a nasty temper and an insatiable taste for torturing people. Fortunately for Soujirou, Saitou appeared then and gave them both a scathingly contemptuous glance which ended the childishness immediately.

"So anyway, Saitou-san!" Soujirou intoned cheerfully in total disregard for the numerous bumps on his head, "What are we doing today? Something interesting, I hope! Yesterday was a little terrifying."

Saitou gave him a slightly condescending look. "Today, we will start the investigation on the broken down, but still powerful mafia organisation. We will start with the interrogation of Yukishiro Enishi. Hopefully, it will not have to include the Gatotsu."

"It wouldn't," Enishi shot back, glancing nervously to his right, "I am going to be a good boy and cooperate, wouldn't I, nee-san?" There must have been a positive answer as for the rest of the walk, Enishi held a deliriously happy grin on his face the whole time.

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"And anyway," Enishi went on, pacing up and down the bloodstained floor of the interrogation room excitedly, "The head of the organisation could be something like an absolute monarch or a figurehead. It depends on how powerful he… or she is, actually. And, oh yes, there have been women in charge of the triad before! I remember that my predecessor's predecessor was a woman. Apparently, she had…"

"Slow down, slow down," Soujirou muttered, trying to write as fast as he could, "I can't keep up with you."

"_And_, under me, I allowed the triad to trade with some of the Western countries, including the Russian and Italian mafia. It helped bring in all the really, really cool weapons that go _boom_ when you push the button…"

"Slow down!" Soujirou groaned, getting ink all over his hand and his face, "I can't keep up! Start from that part about the roots of the organisation!"

"But that was ages ago," Enishi protested, "I've still got tonnes to tell! Tonnes!"

Saitou sighed, his hair already slightly ruffled and his cigarette slightly droopy, his hands and face in a similar state as Soujirou's. "Slow down," he ordered, "or I will personally ensure that the coffin needed for your funeral need only be a third your original height."

"Ok," Enishi grumbled, flopping down on the (deliberately made) uncomfortable chair, "Where was it you wanted me to start from again?"

"The roots organisation," Soujirou replied, just as Saitou said, "The head of the organisation."

There was second of both sides staring at each other then Enishi coughed delicately and said, "The head of the organisation it is then." He cleared his throat and started to gather his thoughts. "Anyway…"

"Wait, wait," Soujirou yelped, "I need to get more ink."

"Stop interrupting!" Enishi yelled just as Saitou gave his best death glare.

"But…"

"Oh you ridiculous boy-on-ecstasy!" Enishi roared and thundered forward, "You are in the conspiracy to stop me from atoning for my sins!"

"What? No! I just needed some more…"

"You planned this! You planned this! You…"

As has happened many times in this fic, something happens just in time to stop the untimely death of Seta Soujirou. No, it is not the reappearance of Tomoe, it was the appearance of a policeman with very grim news.

"Goro-san? Your wife is waiting for you in your office with a spade, ropes and some firecrackers."

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The moment the three entered the room, they were greeted by the sight of an elegantly beautiful lady sitting dignifiedly on Saitou's chair with a spade, a coil of ropes and a whole bundle of firecrackers on the floor at her feet. That was coupled by a very familiar glare which could be seen more times than not on the male partner in this union.

"Tokio-chan!" Saitou cried, suddenly looking like it was the happiest day of his life, "What a beautiful, pleasant surprise!" He swooped down to kiss her on the cheek, but was greeted with a fan against his lips.

"Please do not get all lovey-dovey on me, My Lord," came the cold but polite return, "It is inappropriate to do so in public, but you may commence from where you stopped when we get home."

Enishi's jaw unhinged and his eyes bulged out while Soujirou gawked and turned three shades redder than was considered healthy.

"Of course," Saitou said smoothly, "As you say, my most beloved wife. It shall be entirely as you wish."

"Tell me, my lord," the lady said, smiling quite suddenly in a way that reminded Soujirou of a cat about to pounce on an unsuspecting mouse, "How much do you love me?"

"Very, very much," Saitou said immediately, "Why, you are like my most precious katana to me… you are… like Aku is to Soku and Zan. You are beautiful like the sword slicing through an evil human's flesh! You are as sweet as the taste of victory over evil!"

"Oh really, My Lord?" the lady said slowly reaching out for the spade. "May I then enquire as to why I have not seen you for the past week, and why you have never bothered to even write to tell me what is happening to you?"

"Why… my wife…" Soujirou and Enishi watched in amusement as Saitou took a step back quickly. "I knew of course that as a good, loyal wife, you have the utmost confidence in my ability, and thus would not doubt my survival through whatever case I take."

"Oh, is that so? And why then have you not returned home in seven days?" The smile grew increasingly wider, as the danger grew increasingly greater.

"I… well… I was busy with work, my love, busy carrying out Aku Soku Zan."

"And that is more important than eating all the dinners I prepared for you?" the beautiful woman roared suddenly, swiping the spade up in one stroke. "You should have known better, Saitou Hajime! Gatotsu!"

Soujirou and Enishi exchanged looks then calmly stepped out and closed the door, just as a sudden yelp, much like that of a puppy about to be caned was heard. Slowly, they stepped back from the door and looked at each other.

"What a woman."

"Yeah… taming the Wolf of Mibu…"

"I always thought that a Wolf of Mibu could never be tamed."

The sound of an explosion rocked the office, followed by some very canine whimpering.

"I guess I was wrong."

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The sun blazed brightly as the sixty-five men walked down the roads of Tokyo. It was not an unpleasant kind of sun-blaze, as one might be led to imagine. Instead, while the sun shone brightly, it was not hot, as the wind swept through the buildings with a refreshing coolness. Yet, that did nothing to cheer up the black moods of one Yukishiro Enishi and another Seta Soujirou.

"Saitou Hajime is a bad boss," Enishi growled angrily, "I don't see what he has to be unhappy about! Sure, we laughed at him, but before he came out to beat the crap out of us, he had to put on his clothes first! That should make any boss happy and more inclined to be lenient in punishment!" He stomped angrily on the stone pavement and glared at the ring of miscellaneous weapons around him.

"Acutally, Yukishiro-san," Soujirou sighed, "I have a feeling that Saitou-san is not the kind of person who is ever inclined to giving lenient punishment." He tried out Tokio-san's smile, having added it to his own personal collection of smiles, and was pleasantly surprised when the flowers at the side of the road wilted away immediately.

"Yeah? Well… you got that right…" Enishi touched the bump on his head painfully, "But he sent us on patrol for two shifts, with no permission for pit stops! That is cruel! What if I have to use the window?"

"In this case," Soujirou replied cheerfully, "even if you just did it here, nobody will be able to see you through the ring of men and weapons around us." Immediately, all the men in the guard squad turned around and faced the outside of the ring, yet somehow still managing to point their weapons at the pair in the middle.

"Ha ha, very funny. I ain't smiling." Enishi sneered down his nose at Soujirou before turning to stare at a point some distance away. "What's the use of sending us out on patrol anyway?" he whined, "It's not like we can see through our bloody guard squad?"

Immediately, with absolutely no words exchanged, the rings opened up to form three V-shapes, with the pair in the middle of the inner V.

"My my…"

"Ok, so we can see in front of us, but we can't see to our sides!"

"Forget it, Yukishiro-san. I think we should be happy that they were willing to compromise like this."

Enishi grunted and stomped harder on the concrete pavement. "We are being abused, race-boy! Abused! I can't stand people who abuse other people! And neither can you!"

"What? How would you know how I…"

"You do, and that's final! Unless you want me to demonstrate what I can do with an earring and a lot of hay."

"Ok… ok… I concede."

Suddenly, a mystical sound filled the air. It was the soft tinkling of wind chimes, accompanied by the soft rustling of silk against skin. Enishi and Soujirou looked up to behold a fantastical sight before them.

A row of five women walked slowly forward, each holding one wind chime in each hand, and dressed in flowery kimonos. Their collars were pulled down to reveal more than was appropriate for the everyday Japanese woman.

"Oh great sirs," one of them said in a voice as whispery as the wind, "please, we are in great need of your help."

"What the hell…" Enishi snarled and turned around to glare in another direction.

"We will be pleased to help you in whatever way possible," Soujirou replied politely.

"Well…" the woman who had first spoken hesitated before addressing the more responsive man, "Our father is near his deathbed, and alas, there are no sons in the family. We five sisters must wed soon, or our property will be seized by our uncles and cousins."

Soujirou tilted his head curiously. "Really?" he asked, "I never knew that was how things worked."

"Please sir!" one of the other women cried, stepping out suddenly. "We really do need your help!"

The first woman stepped forward even further and stared at her feet, blushing. "If you help us, oh great sir," she whispered, "we will grant you the greatest earthly pleasure ever."

In slow motion, Soujirou's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "What? Really?" he gaped.

"Oh man!" Enishi began but Soujirou shushed him absent-mindedly.

"Do you really mean it?" he asked, stepping forward eagerly.

"Yes sir," the first woman said, holding her head high, "we will do whatever is necessary for the sake of our family!"

A short laugh of disbelief escaped his lips. "I can't believe my luck!" Soujirou yelped, "This is unbelievable… wait… since there are five sisters, does that mean I get five?"

"Yes, sir," the first woman replied, looking away in obvious distress.

"I don't believe it!" Soujirou paced the V-shape around him then turned around and clasped the first woman's hand. "Just to confirm it," he said, taking a deep breath.

"Speed addict…" Enishi growled, getting ready to pummel the brains out of his partner.

"Just let me confirm it!" Soujirou yelped, his face beaming with excitement."

"Yes, sir."

"Ok," Soujirou began then paused and took a deep breath. "Ok."

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you mean that…"

"Oh hell, pervert!"

"If I help you in your predicament…"

"Ass…"

"And help you each find a husband…"

"Hole… huh?"

"You will each treat me to a bowl of beef ramen?"

There was a long silence as both the women and Enishi stared at Soujirou then very slowly, the first woman started to nod. Gradually, the pace picked up and suddenly, all five women were nodding at the same time.

"That is exactly what we meant, wasn't it, nee-san?"

"Exactly! Exactly what he just said."

"Oh, of course! Exactly! Eh… five bowls of beef ramen!"

"Of course, what else could we have meant?"

"Our intentions were definitely pure!"

"Oh yes, we were offering food, of course! What other earthly pleasures could there be?"

"None that we pure and innocent women would know of, of course!"

There was a short bout of strained laughter as the five women looked alternatively at each other, Enishi and Soujirou, who was beaming happily.

"What luck," Soujirou said happily, ignoring Enishi's opened-eye gawk, "well then, what are we waiting for, gentlemen? Let's go find these nice ladies some husbands!"

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	6. Dinner at the Wolf's Den

Heh heh… first and foremost, sorry about the delay… I was busy applying for my University of choice (huh, what choice?). So anyway, I wrote all this at one sitting, so it probably sucks quite badly. Eh… don't be mad with me… please?

Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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Saitou was perched on his sofa. Generally, this was a rather pleasing place to be for the former Shinsengumi captain. However, today was a little different; the discrepancy being in that his wife was sitting on _his_ office chair and reading _his_ reports with a look of concentration on her face.

"My most beloved wife," he began, trying to think of the appropriate way to phrase his words, "There is really no need for you to burden your lovely shoulders with my work. I assure you I am most capable of reading all my reports."

"I am sure, My Lord," his wife replied with a stately nod of the head, "Only you take such a long time to finish your work, such that you are barely ever home. Thus, I have decided that the only way to avoid that is to come here and share your work with you." She made a brief clucking noise with her tongue as she circled something (probably a mistake) on the paper. Saitou briefly smirked in anticipation at the demise of one of his less efficient subordinates.

"Well yes…" Saitou smoked his cigarette hungrily, "But dear, what about the children? Surely you cannot leave them all alone at home…"

"Oh, the only one at home now is Eiji. The rest have gone over to Mother's. Eiji is really such an independent boy. Surely he does not need my care?" She smiled sweetly and Saitou resisted the urge to scowl miserably.

"But surely," he hesitated, "surely he needs a mother's care? A woman's touch?"

"I would say," she agreed, "but this place needs it more." She passed a disapproving glance over the stacks of papers and cigarette stains.

Saitou froze. He could sense it coming on (all husbands could) – the most destructive force ever known to men. A woman's desire to clean up. Soon, it would sweep through his office, tidying up every single inch of his deliberately dirtied and messed up office, and restoring it to its original shine and colour.

"My most beloved…"

"Get me a broom, a bucket of water and cloth," Tokio ordered, standing up and starting to pull up her sleeves, "I think it is about time I did something about this disgraceful mess."

"Darling," Saitou broke in, deciding to assert his male dominance, "I absolutely forbid you to tidy up my office! Which man has a clean and tidy office with a proper vase of fresh flowers? It is unnatural! It is impersonal! It is a _true_ disgrace!"

"My lord…"

"No," Saitou said firmly, "I will not fetch you a broom, a bucket of water or cloth! This is a man's office! You should know your place woman! When your husband says nay, it _remains_ nay! Now go home and make dinner before I get angry!"

There was a tensed silence then Tokio slowly nodded. "I see. My lord, you would insist that as a woman, I know my place."

"Yes!" Saitou snapped.

"You would insist that you will not fetch me the items that I have requested you fetch for me."

"Well… yes…"

"And you would have me go home and make dinner or face your wrath."

"Eh… well… yes…" Saitou twiddled his fingers with the strange sinking feeling that he was digging his own grave.

"I see."

To his sheer relief, Tokio started to move for the door. He sank back onto the sofa, feeling a sense of achievement. There was absolutely no man or woman on this entire earth who could tame a Miburo. That was a fact, and he had just proven it. For the first time in his entire life, he had subdued his headstrong wife with his manly dominance and immovability. He was now the true head of the household, the strongest wolf in his pack! Unlike his nemesis (a certain hitokiri gone red), he would not be beaten by a mere woman!

"Oh, just one thing, my lord," Tokio said, pausing at the door.

"Yes, my love?" Saitou asked generously.

"Gatotsu," Tokio replied sweetly, and charged him with a spade in hand.

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The stage was set, the acoustics were fixed and the script had been rehearsed to perfection. It was time to start the first case the pair will work on since joining the honourable defendants of peace, justice and free meals.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Soujirou chirped, discovering instantly that he had an unnatural gift for public-speaking. "Come one! Come all! Come, come and witness the fun! Today, we shall have things done! Come one! Come all!"

Almost instantly, a crowd started to form around the make-shift stage that Enishi and Soujirou had gotten together.

"What's up?" someone from the crowd roared.

"We're looking for husbands for these five young ladies," Enishi began then hesitated when members of the crowd began to trail away.

"Which includes a lot of humiliation, insults and mockery of those potential husbands!" Soujirou piped up. If it was even possible, the crowd suddenly grew even larger than previously.

"Anyway," Enishi growled, "We shall need five young bachelors, preferably between the age of twenty to twenty-five, with good looks, money and… eh… eh… a lot of… eh… well… stamina." He cleared his throat embarrassedly and glared at sister number one who smiled back blankly. "The first round shall have these five bachelors vying for the hand of Sister 1!" There was the splattering of claps, cheers and wolf-calls the Sister 1 walked out to the centre of the 'stage', looking demurely down at her sandals.

"You there!" Soujirou cried, pointing at someone in the crowd. "You look like you fit all three categories! Come on up!" He plunged into the mass of human bodies, fighting towards his startled prey with an enthusiasm of a man who believes he needs to work to earn his pay.

"And you!" Enishi called, pointing at someone near the stage. "Come on up!" He gestured with a finger and a fierce glare as was fitting of a man who believes that his glare moves the world.

"And you!" Soujirou yelped.

"And you!" Enishi snarled.

"And YOU!" they cried together, gesturing to the same person.

"Excellent, excellent," Soujirou said, giggling wickedly, much to the distress of the five chosen bachelors, "now, let's earn ourselves some beef ramen. The first round would include a question and answer session between Sister 1 and the potential suitors! Sister 1, please?"

Her face beaming with excitement, Sister 1 stepped forward and cleared her throat softly. "Now, Bachelor Number One," she asked softly, "do you think strength is better or stamina?"

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"What is this nonsense?" Saitou demanded, peering down at his two subordinates with his one good eye. His single-eyed glare gave no room for excuses.

"Well," Soujirou began, "there were these five young ladies who needed husbands immediately, so we got them five brand new husbands. This is their way of showing their appreciation." He beamed and held up the bowl of beef ramen he was currently eating as an example.

Saitou muttered angrily under his breath. "That was not what I meant," he explained with the tone of a person trying to get a retard to understand a very simple concept, "I meant, why were the two of you escorted back to headquarters by a mob." To emphasise his point, he gestured wildly at the crowd of men holding an impromptu demonstration outside.

"Oh…" Soujirou smiled absent-mindedly, "That would be the suitors who failed. It turns out the five young ladies were very, very rich."

"I see." Saitou scowled. "Trust the two of you to get up to all sorts of trouble when I am not around to keep an eye on you. From now onwards, I would have to follow both of you on patrol all the time."

"You don't appear to have much of a choice," Enishi noted, eyeing the mass of commotion from inside Saitou's office, "What's going on in there?"

Hesitation flickered over Saitou's face then he cleared his throat and in an excellent act of nonchalance, remarked, "My dear wife has decided to clean up my office for me. I was of course, kind enough to loan her fifteen men to complete the job. Mustn't overtax my most beloved wife now, right?" He coughed into his hand and made a show of looking angrily at the noisy mob outside.

"Gee," Soujirou noted, slurping up the ramen enthusiastically, "I never realised the walls of your office were white, Saitou-san."

"I never noticed either," Saitou said curiously, peering over Soujirou's head, "I always thought that they were brown."

"Me too," Enishi agreed, "And I never knew your table was black."

"Yes… I always thought it was green. How curious."

"And I never knew your table wasn't supposed to be covered in grass, Saitou-san."

"I never knew either."

"My Lord?" Tokio said, peering dignifiedly out of the doorway, "Would you be so kind as to run down to the shop down the road to buy some firewood? Unfortunately, there appears to be many unexplainable holes in your door which requires fixing."

"Ah… eh… of course, of course," Saitou smiled weakly, "I shall send a runner down immediately."

His wife turned a sharp, penetrating glare at him, worthy of any schoolmistress in Japan. "I believe I specially requested _you_ to run the errand, My Lord?"

"Of course, of course," Saitou replied smoothly, slowly backing off, "I shall go straightaway."

"I would like it back in five minutes of course, or my work will be off schedule."

"Yes, yes… of course."

"My Lord?"

"Yes, my most beloved, dearest, most precious wife?"

"I strongly suggest you run."

"Right, right."

To Soujirou and Enishi's surprise, Saitou disappeared immediately – quite literally.

"I never knew Saitou-san knew Shukuchi," Soujirou commented, feeling quite put down.

"When you have a wife like that," Enishi replied, "I suspect you would learn almost every single bloody running technique in the world without even knowing it."

"Ah." Soujirou and Enishi watched interestedly through the window as Saitou Gatotsu-ed his way through the mob that had gathered at the entrance of the police station. It was particularly fascinating, especially when Saitou sent a protesting man flying within inches of the window the two spectators were at.

"Superb technique," Soujirou remarked admiringly, "The speed, the thrust, the twist of the arm and then – voila - the angle of projectile, all absolutely perfect!"

"Definitely worth taking note of," Enishi grudgingly admitted, "the steps were calculated accurately within a negligible time period. Excellent reflexes, that man."

The sound of someone clearing her throat softly behind them caught their attention, and they turned around to be confronted with the piercing black eyes of a certain Mrs Saitou.

"Would you two happen to be Seta-san and Yukishiro-san?" she inquired politely.

"Eh…" Enishi glared at Soujirou for diplomatic help.

"Yes, ma'am!" Soujirou chirped happily. "I am Seta Soujirou, and this man here is Yukishiro Enishi."

"Ah, my lord has mentioned the both of you several times," Tokio said stately.

"Really, madam?"

"Yes, indeed. Mostly in reference to the execution stage, of course." A feral smile spread across her face. "But where are my manners? I believe I have yet to introduce myself. I am Tokio, wife of Saitou Hajime."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Soujirou said politely.

"The same to you, Seta-san," Tokio replied then swivelled and pinned Enishi with a criticising eye, "Why haven't you said anything now, Yukishiro-san? Cat got your tongue, young man?"

"No, madam, I was merely more content to listen," Enishi replied meekly, a phenomenon so rare it almost stunned Soujirou into silence.

"I see," Tokio replied, smiling demurely, "I have come to speak to the both of you as I have been given to understand that the two of you are my husband's newest recruits."

"Yes, ma'am."

"It is my custom," Tokio went on, "to invite the newer recruits to dinner at my husband's house, where we shall feast and drink together. Can I thus expect the both of you to turn up for dinner at my house tonight?"

"Tonight?" Enishi echoed, his jaw hanging loosely.

"Dinner…"

"At Saitou Hajime's house…"

"With food…"

"Cooked by Saitou Hajime's wife?"

"Feasting…"

"And drinking…"

"With Saitou Hajime…"

"And his wife?"

Soujirou and Enishi stared at each other then simultaneously turned and stared at the feline smile on Tokio's face.

"Sure, we've love to."

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"This is a bad idea," Enishi grumbled as he and Soujirou (and sixty-three men with the ability to travel backwards) gathered outside a plain but smart and neat house set away from the main street.

"I think it is a bad idea too, Yukishiro-san," Soujirou agreed, "but would you have tried to reject that smile?" Both spent two seconds recalling the 'smile' before shivering and pushing the memory away.

"I get what you mean, dumb-ass," Enishi agreed, "but this is definitely not a good idea."

"A bad idea," Soujirou corrected.

"What?"

"An idea that is not good is not necessarily bad, Yukishiro-san. This idea qualifies as a positively bad i… why hello, Tokio-san!" Soujirou burst into a sugary smile as the door slid open suddenly.

"Good evening, Seta-san, Yukishiro-san," she purred, "what were you saying just now, Seta-san?"

"I… eh… well… eh… guy stuff, actually."

"I see." Tokio offered a demure little bow, spoiling the effect by keeping her eyes fixed on their faces, which were twisted into a look of pure terror. "Well then, do come in, my dear guests. It is not healthy to stand in the night wind for too long."

"Eh… thank you," Soujirou said weakly, "you are a very kind host."

"Ah, thank you. You are such a polite man."

"Eh… yes, thank you, you are too kind."

"Oh no, _you_ are too kind, Seta-san."

With the bowing and forced modesty, the two men found themselves inside the house and being ushered into the dining room. At the sight before them, both men started to salivating rapidly.

The floor was laid with a line of steaming, aromatic food, set on five separate plates. Crisp, golden tempura gleamed tantalisingly in the candlelight; brown miso soup swirled, bulging with strands of seaweed and pure, creamy squares of beancurd; tender, pink slices of sashimi decorated ivory plates, glistening in the light; white, crystal grains of rice filled five ebony bowls to the brim; cups of hot, steaming green tea gave off a sweet, grassy aroma.

At the top of the row sat a very grouchy Saitou Hajime.

Soujirou and Enishi stopped salivating immediately.

"Eh… hello, Saitou-san!"

"Yo, boss."

"Sit down," Saitou snapped.

"_Please_ sit down," Tokio corrected, shooting a sharp glare in the direction of her husband.

"Wh… ok, _please_ sit down."

"Eh… thank you."

Soujirou and Enishi took up the last two unoccupied spaces nervously. The fifth place was occupied by a boy who seemed intent on glaring at Soujirou the entire time. It took approximately five seconds for Soujirou to recall the identity of the young boy.

"Oh goodness," Soujirou said brightly, "Aren't you that boy from… eh… that one… eh… what's your name again?"

Something seemed to snap inside the boy, and he leapt to his feet with a murderous look on his face. "I am Mishima Eiji, Seta Soujirou! Your henchman, Sushin killed my brother!" he roared.

With a loud growl, he tore towards Soujirou – and attacked him with a tempura.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Author's Note: Eh, on Tokio… as you all know, she is a figment of my imagination, so I felt I had to write something about her. I know Saitou is evil, so I thought I would make his wife more evil. (Sorry to those who don't like seeing Saitou get hen-pecked; I think it's rather cute and funny actually.) Yet, she is still a woman of ancient (or… relatively ancient) Japan, so she can't be openly, blatantly evil like Saitou, at least not to people outside her family. Thus, I made her openly evil to Saitou, but subtly evil to others, and I wanted to bring out this contrast, so in comes Enishi and Soujirou torturing!

Ha ha… sorry to those who don't like the way I portrayed Tokio! Personally, I don't think Tokio is really like this. Her character is purely for humour purposes ok? So… don't kill me!


	7. Who's a miserable little bastard

Eh… hello people. I'm seriously tired and out of inspiration now… which explains why this fic hasn't been updated in such a long time. I just have absolutely no idea where this fic is going now.

It's late at night and I'm very, very sleepy, so there may be mistakes in this fic. Sorry about that… Still, **read and review**, ok? The next chapter should be better…

Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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Crouching with his head between his knees, Soujirou shifted slightly at different intervals to dodge the flying pieces of delicacies, each time, moaning at the lost of earth's greatest pleasure (other than beef ramen, of course). Fortunately for him, the attack stopped abruptly when Tokio marched up to Eiji and gave him a resounding smack on the side of his face with a wooden spoon.

"Mishima Eiji!" she thundered, "How dare you waste good food like this! And the tempura too! Do you know how long it takes to make the perfect tempura?"

Immediately, Eiji seemed to shrink dramatically to the size of a five year old. "I'm sorry, Tokio-san," he mumbled, "didn't mean to do that…"

"The next time you want to attack a guest like that," Tokio scolded, waving her sashimi menacingly at the boy, "You use the chopsticks, not the food, do you understand? At least the chopsticks are dispensable!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So what do you use the next time you want to attack a guest like that?"

"The chopsticks, ma'am."

"And why do you use the chopsticks?"

"Because they are dispensable, ma'am."

"Good boy," Tokio huffed, settling the sashimi down somewhere behind her, "Now go clean up all the tempura on the floor and feed them to the thing my husband has been breeding in his boots."

"Yes ma'am."

With a murderous glare at Soujirou, Eiji swept up the tempura expertly and headed out to the front door.

"Oh dear me," Tokio said, suddenly demure and sweet again, "I do apologise for the rudeness of my little boy, Seta-san. I can't possibly imagine what could have set him off like that." She smoothed back an imaginary stray hair and smiled.

"Eh… that's fine."

There was the loud clearing of the throat then Saitou said, "I believe it is time to start the meal. What do you say now, my love?"

"Oh, of course," Tokio replied, settling down beside her husband, "Come, please do try the food."

"Thank you."

"Eh… thanks…"

Enishi prodded the food suspiciously before biting into a piece of sashimi. "Eh… it's good, ma'am."

"Why thank you," Tokio beamed, "but do keep your mouth shut when you eat, young man. It's rude to chew with your mouth open or to talk during meals." Almost immediately, Enishi bowed his head and stared abashedly at his knees.

"'k..."

"What should you do when you eat, young man?"

"Shut my mouth, ma'am."

"Because?"

"It's rude to chew with my mouth open or to talk during meals."

"Good boy." Tokio beamed further and returned to her meal. A second later, Enishi had lifted his chin up and was glaring confusedly at her.

"She…"

"Don't push it."

"But she…"

"Yukishiro-san. Don't."

"Well…"

"Don't. Please."

"Alright, alright…"

After a brief moment of quiet eating, Saitou lay his utensils down. Immediately, Tokio was on her feet.

"I'll get dessert, My Lord."

"Yes, my love."

The moment Tokio was out of the room, the four males heaved a collective sigh of relief.

"How the bloody hell do you live with that woman, boss?" Enishi whispered.

"Why do you think I practically live at the office?" Saitou shot back.

"Eh… I thought it was because of Aku, Soku, Zan, Saitou-san," Soujirou whispered.

"Wh… oh… of course, of course. But, Tokio is a part of the reason as well."

"You killed my brother, and my parents!" Eiji hissed.

"Actually, technically, I didn't. It was Sushin who killed them, and it wasn't even by my orders. It was Shishio-sama's orders, of course and…"

"Murderer!"

"Don't throw that tempura at me! Tokio-san will murder you!"

"I wasn't going to, murderer. I was going to poke my chopsticks up your nose."

"Well…"

"Dessert!" Tokio announced, reappearing suddenly at her seat. Instantly, the level of tension rose dramatically.

"My, how nice," Saitou commented immediately, leaning over slightly to examine the contents on his plate, "What a nice colouring… and texture and… eh… eh… well… mm…"

"What is it?" Eiji asked suspiciously, poking it with his spoon.

"That would be none of your business," Tokio scolded, "Now eat it."

"Alright."

There was a general silence in where the men looked around then stared at the… dessert – then they dug in.

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A low groan sounded from the bed on his right, but Soujirou was in too much pain to care. The clean white sheets and soft mattress were all he could concentrate on. He knew he was selfish ignoring his partner, who was in as much pain as he was, but after this particular battle, he felt he deserved it.

"Nurse…" he rasped weakly, "Nurse… water…"

Immediately, the nurse was at his side, gently patting his head and feeding him water from a cup.

"Th… thank… thank you…" he whispered then sank into the pillows.

The nurse vanished to answer the calls from the bed next to his. Eventually, she disappeared into a door and out of Soujirou's vision, not that he cared. All he cared about were the clean sheets, the soft mattress, and the terrible throbbing pain in his stomach.

"Dessert…" the occupant of the adjacent bed rasped, "Is not… To… Tokio-san's… strong point."

Soujirou's admiration for his partner rose dramatically. Even in such pain, his partner was still capable of speaking his mind, and communicating with his comrades. Such determination! Such strength! Surely as a samurai, he had to do something to match this display of will!

"Urgggg," he replied proudly.

"How… is… the… boy?"

Soujirou groaned miserably and a replying groan came from his left.

"Urgggg," he answered.

"I… thought… urggg…" Enishi replied from his right before sinking into a deep silence.

Darkness fell over the room as the three occupants curled up on the bed and groaned simultaneous –and in harmony.

"Ohhhh…" Eiji groaned from his left and started to struggle to sit up.

"L… lie… down…" Soujirou whispered weakly, "You… you'll… hurt… y… y… yourself…"

"I've… got… a s… s… s… s…"

"S?"

"Si… sinking… sen… sensation…"

"Urggg?"

"Urggg? Oh…"

Soujirou and Enishi stared blurredly up into the ceiling and sighed wearily. "S… sh… shi… shit… urggggggggg," they moaned then buried their noses into their pillows as Eiji finally allowed the sinking sensation to evolve into an exiting sensation.

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"Pathetic," Saitou Hajime snorted, towering above the three forlorn figures, "Absolutely pathetic! Just a plate of dessert sends you to your beds like little boys? I thought better of the three of you!"

"I… am… a… little…b…b…b…boy…"

"Oh, be quiet," Saitou growled, "Seta and Yukishiro! The both of you have better be up and ready for work soon! You two are my prisoners! I can't have you lying around and doing nothing all the time!"

"I… don't… think… we… will… be… up… for… a… week…" Enishi gasped, clutching his stomach miserably.

"Pathetic," Saitou snorted again.

"How… do… you… do… it, Saitou… san? How… come… you… are… al… alright?" Soujirou rasped, turning an eye as best it could in Saitou's direction.

"Rubbish!" Saitou snapped. "I've been eating Tokio's meals for decades, and I've never had any problem with it!"

"R… r… really?"

"Of course," Saitou snorted, "There are many things I have eaten in this life which tasted worse than Tokio's cooking. Of course, not much tasted worse than her dessert, but then now… any man can take a little… dessert."

"Urrggggggg…"

"Urgggggggg…"

"Urggg… I'm… still… a… boy…"

"That doesn't make me forgive you," Saitou snapped at Eiji, who was curled up in a relatively foetal position, "You are rather young, I admit, but that only makes you a _young_ man, and not a boy. Show me some backbone!"

"I…m… not… tak… taking off... my shirt… for you…"

Saitou snorted again, reflecting what he thought of the boy (or young man), and puffed on his cigarette, ignoring the nurse who was throwing him a hideously dangerous glare. "I wouldn't want you to," he replied amidst a puff of smoke, "I am going now, but I will be back later in the day, if only to laugh at you three miserable souls."

"Buh… bye… Saitou… san…"

" Screw…you…"

"Bye… Saitou…"

With another grunt, Saitou vanished from sight, leaving behind only a thin blue fog.

"G… gross…"

"Second… hand… smoke…"

"I've… got… another… sinking… sen… sensation…"

"Urggggg…"

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Three days later found Soujirou propped up in bed with the support of a tiny hill of pillows.

"How are you feeling now?" Nurse Miyako asked, smiling sweetly as she spooned broth into his mouth.

"Much better," Soujirou answered, the best he could with a spoon in his mouth. Looking around, he noted that Enishi felt good enough to lie in a relatively straight position, while Eiji was being fussed over by a group of very smitten middle-aged nurses.

"You've finished your broth," Miyako observed, "That is a great improvement!" She smiled again, and Soujirou noted that she dimpled when she smiled. He also noted that her incisors were slightly longer than was usual for a human being.

"Thank you." he replied.

"Then I will be back to check on you later," she said, sweeping up the tray, "Now, go get some rest, Sou-chan." She smiled again, and was gone.

From his position on the bed, Enishi opened one eye and watched his partner. "Cute ass," he remarked.

"Yes, Yukishiro-san?"

"I wasn't calling you, I was referring to the lady that just left."

"She does not resemble a donkey in the slightest."

Enishi rolled his eyes. "I was referring to her posterior."

"Oh… wait, does that mean when you call me 'cute ass', you were also referring to my posterior?"

"Never. I was referring to the animal."

"Ah… that is a relief."

"What do you think about it anyway?"

"It?"

"Her ass?"

"Do you mean the animal or the posterior?"

Soujirou smiled blankly as Enishi shot him a look that promised lava and lightning bolts if an answer wasn't forthcoming.

"Well?" Enishi demanded.

"It makes me…" Soujirou blushed (as Enishi noted interestingly) "It makes me think of beef ramen, and practising battoujutsu on a dead subordinate who has betrayed Shishio-sama."

"…"

"…"

"You've got some serious issues, man."

"I suppose." Grinning, Soujirou leaned over (the best he could before his stomach started making very threatening noises). "What do you think of when you see Nurse Rina?"

"My sister holding Battousai's head… eh… sorry nee-san! I didn't really mean that!"

Chuckling slightly, Soujirou turned his head to observe the younger of the trio. With this being his fifth trip to the hospital due to Tokio-san's dessert, Eiji had gotten better sooner than the two older men. However, at the moment, he was curled up under his sheets with a look of terror on his face – mainly because some of the older nurses in the hospital were crowded around the bed, trying to get him to sing their favourite children's song with them.

"How are you feeling, Eiji?" he called.

"Help me!" came the terrified whimper.

"How would I do that?" Soujirou asked, mildly amused. From the other side of the room, Enishi chuckled.

"Help me?" The plaintive call was the only answer.

"Perhaps…"

Suddenly, a tornado burst into the room. This tornado had brown hair, brown eyes, freckles (as Enishi often noticed), and a very loud voice. "Goodness!" the very loud voice shouted. "Stop ogling over the poor boy! There's an emergency operation down in Room C. All nurses get down there now!"

With much grumbling, sniffles and tears, the nurses started to leave. From under his cover, Eiji emerged with the dazed look of a person who had just been through a catastrophic disaster.

Enishi grunted. "Saved the boy, huh, Rina?"

Two very sharp brown eyes were turned on him. "You finish your broth by the time I come back again, Yukishiro, or I'll personally put it where the sun doesn't shine."

"As if you could do that, you weak little woman."

A bony fist was waved in front of his nose. "Don't tempt me," she growled then vanished in a swirl of activity.

Enishi snorted. "Silly woman," he muttered, making no attempt to touch the bowl at the side of his bed.

Soujirou gave an answering snort (just as an experiment, since he barely ever snorted, and wanted to see what was so interesting about it that made Enishi and Saitou both do it so much). Then he decided to spare some of his goodwill to the traumatised boy. "Are you ok, Eiji?"

"A…a…a… are… they…ggggg… gone?"

"Yes, Eiji, they're gone."

"Thank god…" Eiji wiped away the tears in his eyes and snuggled down into the pillows, "If I had to take one more… one more… "cootchy-cootchy-coo" or one more… "whu's a liddle pwetty boy"… I'll… I'll…"

"It's ok now," Soujirou said sympathetically, "they're gone now. They're gone."

"… I'll… I'll… do something… drastic…"

"Why don't you try eating some broth? It is surprisingly good for hospital food."

A trembling hand reached out and started to mechanically shovel food down a mouth.

"You've got broth dripping down your chin now, Eiji."

"Oh… ok…"

"Eh… you missed a spot."

"Ok… ok…"

With the slowness usually associated with the sick, Eiji lay the napkin down and lay back on the tiny slope of pillows his fans had created for him. His stomach protested loudly with a low, sinking noise.

"Better?" Soujirou asked pleasantly. "Or do you need to use the window?"

"Better," Eiji sighed, "and no, the passer-bys under the window are safe from me – for a while, at least."

"Ah. Good. I was starting to worry about the number of rotten eggs being thrown through the window."

"You worry?" Enishi shot back, "I was the one who got hit in the mouth with a rotten egg. Which would explain why I'm worse off than you are, of course."

Soujirou laughed. "Sorry, Yukishiro-san."

There was a long silence then awkwardly, Eiji went on, "You… you're a good man now, aren't you? No longer evil, right?"

"Well… Saitou-san is an excellent gauge on the evilness of a person, and he hasn't tried to kill me for a few days already, so… yeah, I assume I'm no longer evil."

"Oh… good…" Eiji pondered that for a while. "Because I think we could be good friends, really, after going through Tokio-san's dessert together."

"Ah…"

"Nothing bonds people better than disaster," Enishi commented, still gallantly ignoring his broth.

"Really?" Soujirou questioned. "I wonder what that means."

"Don't ask me; I'm not really sure myself."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because it sounded cool."

"Alright, fair enough." Soujirou shrugged. "So anyway," he said thoughtfully, "Since we've gone through a great disaster together, we should be feeling very bonded together, right? Now… what's that term I'm looking for…?"

"Friends," Eiji said immediately.

"Really?" Soujirou paused to ponder his feelings. "Friends…" The syllabuses rolled off his tongue oddly.

"That's an odd word," Enishi said, turning over to face the other occupants of the room, "Frrriiieeennndddsss…"

"Is that what we are?" Soujirou asked.

"Sure!" Eiji piped up eagerly, he being the kind who didn't have many friends.

"Good," Soujirou said cheerfully, "And once we figure out exactly what 'friends' means, we can then proceed to become the best friends in the entire world. After all, if you're going to be anything, you might as well be number one."

"Cool," Enishi said, trying to look bored, but failing miserably.

"I already know what 'friends' means," Eiji piped up, "It means playing together in the backyard until you get your hands all dirty, and then getting scolded by Mum."

"I see," Soujirou said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he slid easily into the 'right-hand man-have-to-give-advice' mode, "In that case, we shall have to start from there and then see where things go. Of course, that would mean having to find a backyard to play in, and a "Mum" to be scolded by… but I'm sure we'll find a way." "

"Cool."

"Alright! We'll make the best friends ever! Number one in the whole of Japan!"

And it was then when they were all basking in the rosy hue of friendship and brotherhood that Rina burst back into the room, took one look at Enishi's broth and proceeded to carry out her threat in a very messy fashion.

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Silent as an owl and dangerous as a wolf, Saitou stalked into his office in a very, very bad mood. There were so many corrupt officials to kill, so many evil people to put down, so many dinners he had to return home to; any of this would drive an ordinary man to suicide. But Saitou was no ordinary man, so instead of committing suicide, he proceeded to verbally abuse all the terrified, scurrying little scum that worked under him.

"Your report was a disgusting mess," he snarled to the quavering man in front of him, "I didn't understand a single thing you were saying… or trying to say. I suggest you locate your brain and use it, before I decide you have no need for it, and remove it for _you_."

"Yes sir!"

"Don't you _dare_ use that tone of voice on me!"

"I'm sorry sir!"

"You've better be!" Satisfied that he had scared the man bad enough to give him nightmares for the rest of eternity, Saitou backed off and proceeded to his newly renovated office – only to be received by three apparitions from his own private nightmare.

"Eiji, Seta, Yukishiro," he groaned, "What are the three of you doing in my office? No, wait, don't tell me. I have no wish to have my brain cells totally annihilated so early in the morning."

"Oh well, if you insist!" Soujirou chirped, deliberately keeping his very dirty hands in plain sight. He unfolded his legs, hoping to draw Saitou's attention to the muddy footprints on the floor, but it didn't seem to work.

"I barely recognised your office," Enishi said, coming to the rescue, "Not when your walls have been painted rose pink, and now that you have a lovely vase of flowers near the wall here." He coughed not so subtly, gesturing aimlessly at the wall, which was incidentally covered with many muddy handprints.

Saitou grunted, his eyes already fixed on the pile of paper on his table as he sized up his opponent. "I barely recognise it myself," he mumbled absent-mindedly, "Now go make yourselves useful. Eiji, if you are going to skip school, at least try to do some police… stuff, like making tea and cake, or grovelling for mercy in front of me… or something…"

"Ok, yes sir," Eiji said, deliberately placing his very filthy hands on Saitou's table, "I'll do as you say."

"Then go," Saitou snapped, "and stop ogling at my paperwork. You aren't getting your hands on any of these private documents. These are for my reading only."

"Eh…" Eiji shot Soujirou and Enishi a helpless look before backing away from the table. "Ok, Saitou-san. Eh… nice new couch. It… eh… suits the wall colours, it being red and everything."

"Go."

"Ok."

Saitou sighed in relief as the three exited his office, closing the door (the new, beautiful, cream-coloured door) behind them. Sinking into his new chair, which was, incidentally, more lace than chair, he settled down to finish his paperwork.

"Ok, there is this report and this report… and this stupid form to… hmm…"

_"It didn't work! How could it not work? The plan was flawless! We put it everywhere for him to see!" _

Saitou paused in the middle of his signature, and pondered about it. Deciding he really didn't want to know, he continued on with the signing of the form. "Ok… stupid form signed. Now this report… gah! This handwriting… this calls for some serious Gatotsu-ing…"

_"I don't know why it didn't work, Yukishiro-san. Everything was going smoothly until Saitou came. We played in the backyard of the police headquarters, digging holes, climbing trees and swinging from ropes tied to the branches like Eiji instructed… got our hands and feet dirty… trailed mud all over the place… but we didn't get scolded!" _

"Stupid report… huh, we caught that bloody murderer finally I see. Note to self: get gardener to go to the backyard and assess damage." As subtly as possible (in case someone was watching through the window), he pressed his hands against his ears to block out the whispered dialogue outside his door.

_"I told you it wasn't a good idea to put Saitou-san as Mum, Sou-kun. He just isn't… right." _

"… … … … … …" Who was the one who designed the acoustics of his office such that every single word spoken outside could be heard inside the office?

_"Why not? You said that 'Mum' is basically a dictator… highly irritable and, harsh… a figure of authority. Saitou-san fulfils those criteria." _

"Death sentence… death sentence… think of death sentences… all those nice pretty thoughts… do not try to kill Eiji or risk Tokio's wrath…" Oh right, it was the great Saitou Hajime himself.

_"Yes… but I think Saitou-san is the wrong… gender."_

A terrible twitch hit, and it hit him hard.Saitou stopped indulging in tolerance and stood up rapidly, knocking over the carefully arranged pile of paper on his table. Growling, he stalked over to the door and threw it open, only to be greeted by three apprehensive faces.

"What…" he snarled, "was that about? You have ten seconds to answer before I Gatotsu you."

"We are trying to be friends, Saitou-san," Soujirou said in a tone that suggested he thought that explained everything.

"What does being friends," Saitou snapped, "have to do with my gender?"

There was a long silence as the other cops in the room suddenly developed strangely blank expressions and took to watching the drama unfold out of the corner of their eyes.

"Well," Soujirou said carefully as Enishi and Eiji started inching their way towards the door, "You see, Eiji-kun here has been giving us tips on what it means to be 'friends'… and those criteria seemed to include climbing trees in the backyard, digging holes in the backyard, getting your hands and feet very dirty and then being scolded by 'Mum'."

"So?"

"Well…" Soujirou went on, already starting to tap his feet on the ground, "We thought you could be 'Mum', Saitou-san because…"

"Gatotsu!" Saitou roared.

Immediately, Soujirou took off, carrying Eiji over his shoulder and Enishi close behind him.

"I'm sorry, Saitou-san!"

"Gatotsu! Stop running! I order you to stop using your bloody Shukuchi…"

"I'm sorry… ouch! I'm sorry Mister Guard-Squad-Member… ouch! Sorry the other Mister Guard-Squad-Member and… ouch…"

"Soujirou! Forget about apologising and run!"

"Stop! Stop in the name of the law, you bloody asshole!"

"I'm…"

"Pretty boy! Help!"

Turning back in mid-run, Soujirou caught sight of a very terrified Enishi caught within the Gatotsu range by a wall of swords.

"Finally!" Saitou roared, his sword already stabbing forward in the perfect Gatotsu, only to be met with emptiness. "Wh…" He blinked rapidly then continued running as he caught sight of Soujirou sprinting down the road, Eiji slung over one shoulder, and Enishi slung over the other.

"What the…" Eiji gasped, trying to look dignified while bouncing about wildly on a rather bony shoulder and failing miserably.

"Where do you keep all this strength?" Enishi gasped, similarly trying to look dignified (and failing worse than Eiji, probably because he was older and longer, and thus had his face closer to the ground than Eiji).

"Thank kami-sama for all those weight-lifting Shishio-sama made me do!" Soujirou chirped, his eyes fixed wildly ahead as he sprinted on. "My, my! I feel like I could go on forever, as long as I keep convincing myself that I'm not carrying a dangerous ex-mafia boss on one shoulder, and an orphan adopted by Saitou Hajime on the other shoulder!" Immediately, his stress level shot up way into the red zone.

"We're not here!" Enishi and Eiji shrieked at the same time, both realising immediately that the only way to avoid a very swift and painful death was to make sure Soujirou kept on running.

"Of course not!" Soujirou intoned brightly. "Weightless! I'm weightless! I'm weightless! I'm weightless… ok, I'm weightless, and so are they! That's right! The people who are currently not slung over my shoulders are weightless! All weightless! Woo-hoo, I can fly! Fly! Weightless! Fly! I'm free!"

Over the mess of flying brown hair, Enishi and Eiji exchanged concerned looks. "He sounds like he's losing it, Enishi-kun."

"Oh… I kind of felt that he's been under a lot of stress recently…"

"Do you think he's reached his breaking point?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. But there's a way to check. Is he smiling?"

"Yeah."

"Is he smiling widely?"

"Yeah."

"Is he smiling like this is the happiest day of his life?"

"Well… yeah, you can say that."

"Oh god, we're going to die."

Eiji tried not to wriggle nervously at that thought. "Eh… do you think we should jump off?"

"Who's the lesser evil?"

Simultaneously, they looked behind and stared at a screaming, ranting, sword-waving Saitou Hajime then turned to stare at a smiling, wide-eyed, Seta Soujirou, who was incidentally running faster than a horse could run.

"God, I can't decide, little boy. You pick."

"Me? I'm just a kid! I shouldn't have to make big decisions like that!"

"Hell… ok, we stay. If we jump off now, we'll probably end up as little smears of slimy stuff on the ground."

"Well… eh… ok…"

"Weightless!" Soujirou squeaked, his voice rising a whole octave. "Weightless! It's all in the mind! It's all in the mind! It's all in the…"

"Stop, you miserable little bastard! I am your superior! Listen to me!"

To Enishi and Eiji's sheer horror, Soujirou did stop. In fact, he stopped so fast Saitou shot past them before he realised what was happening. Slowly, Enishi and Eiji were allowed to slide off Soujirou's shoulders. They landed on the ground, and rolled away immediately, with all the sense of self-preservation of a typical human being. Very, very slowly, Soujirou turned to face Saitou Hajime.

"Wh… what did you say?"

Saitou cleared his throat, discovering suddenly that his anger had been drained from all the running. "I said, 'Stop, you miserable little bastard. I am your superior. Listen to me'," he repeated, "Now, listen here…"

"Who is a miserable little bastard?"

"Wh…?"

"I said, 'Who is a miserable bastard?'."

"Now, Seta…"

"I'm not a miserable little bastard!" Soujirou shrieked suddenly. "And you're not my superior! I refuse to carry bundles of rice for you anymore!"

And before Saitou could react, he suddenly found himself tackled to the ground by a very furious young man.

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	8. I've just adopted two psychos

Ok, guys. This is probably the third last or second last chapter of this fic. I've kind of completed the whole story already, but I'm not uploading the rest yet because I might need to change some stuff. Anyway, things are just getting rather weird and random… but do read and review all the same!

Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me.

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Kenshin leaned over the display of fish interestedly, studying the salmon in particular. It looked fresh and very pretty, like pearls under the sun. He was almost certain Kaoru would love to eat some of those.

"How much do these go for?" he asked.

"Well…" the fishmonger began when suddenly, the people on the street started to run down the street, gabbling excitedly.

"What's all that fuss about?" the fishmonger asked, peering over Kenshin easily.

A random passer-by stopped to conveniently shout, "Cat fight!" before continuing on his way.

"Cat fight?" the fishmonger was suddenly on the street, joining his fellow brethren in their run to get a good spot. "Wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"Wh… but…" Kenshin stared miserably at the salmon then down the road. Finally, he could not resist the mob-mentality anymore, and proceeded down the road to see what the fuss was all about.

"Excuse me," he mumbled, trying to push his way through the crowd as politely as possible, "sorry. Excuse me. Eh… sorry ma'am. No, I wasn't trying to take advantage of you, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. My sincerest apologies, ma'am. Ah… thank you." With a deep sigh of relief, he broke out through the crowd into the frontlines.

He stared.

He stared again.

For good measure, he rubbed his eyes and stared some more.

Then he settled back with a self-conscious mischievous grin to watch the two figures wrestle each other in the mud.

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Saitou could not believe this was happening. He was an ex-Shinsengumi captain, the only Miburo with the reputation of being indestructible! He was the only one capable of smoking three hundred cigarettes a day, surviving battle with his hair still neatly slicked back and eating Tokio's dessert without being hospitalised. He was brave, he was honourable, and presently, he was rolling about in wet mud, in front of what seemed like the whole of Tokyo, wrestling with a man almost a head shorter than he was.

Oh the humiliation.

"Seta! I order you to stop this!" he roared, grabbing the back of the boy's gi and trying to pull him off.

"You can't order me around!" the mad man screamed back, his arms gripping Saitou's neck in the perfect headlock. "Not anymore! I'll kill you!"

A snarl formed over Saitou's lips, and he struggled to regain his footing, only to slide down further into the mud pit. "Seta! Get a grip on yourself!" he thundered.

"Never! I'll never listen to you again!" Soujirou's eyes flashed wildly. "All those times… all those times… all those times you made me… work for you like a slave!"

"What are you talking about?" Saitou roared, trying to turn around so he could push himself out of the mud with his arms, but failing miserably.

"Oh, now he denies it," Enishi muttered from the back of the crowd.

"And all this time… all this years…" Soujirou panted, his squirming making him lose balance and sliding him further into the mud pit, "you never ever said you love me! Not even once!"

The crowd fell silent for five seconds before the hushed whisperings and pointing started again. Saitou lay frozen, blinking in shock before starting to struggle even harder. "What the hell are you talking about?" he repeated, his voice starting to rise several pitches. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Wasn't I good enough for you?" Soujirou shrieked. "Why didn't you ever love me?"

"Seta! Get a bloody grip on yourself!"

"You always hated me! Always!"

"Seta…"

"Making me carry rice bundles for you… all the time… all the time!" Soujirou screamed. "Treating me like free labour, instead of your own son!"

There was a collective scandalised gasp from the crowd, and Saitou groaned and mentally smashed his head against a metaphysical wall. "What the hell are you talking about? You're not my son!" he screamed. Somehow or other, he managed to get a hold on Soujirou's arms, but he could not pull them apart. "Let go, Seta!"

"Oh, deny it," someone from the crowd muttered.

"I hate you!" Soujirou screamed. "I hate you! I hate you!"

"Seta!" Saitou gasped. Soujirou's elbow was being driven into his throat. "Seta! For the love of god… Yukishiro! Get this bastard off my throat!"

"Bastard! I'll show you bastard!" Soujirou shrieked. "Never make fun of the illegitimate!" Howling, he pushed Saitou's face deep into the mud and held it there.

"Eh… Saitou?" Enishi called from the back of the crowd. "Sorry, boss, but I love my skin more than yours… eh?"

Splattering and spitting out dirt, Saitou just managed to lift his face out off the mud. "Seta! Seta! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's all your fault!" Soujirou wailed. "All your fault! Why couldn't you accept me for who I was? If you had… I wouldn't have had to… go through… all this… years of… hell working for Shishio-sama!"

Deciding that actions were better than words, Saitou gripped the ground the best he could, and pulled his knee under him to support his weight. Gripping the neck of Soujirou's gi, he flipped him over in a jujitsu throw and held him down. "Seta! Get a grip on yourself! This is an order!"

"You always… always beat me!" Soujirou screamed, squirming out from under Saitou's grip. "You hit me all the time! You even burnt me with your bloody pipe!"

There was another collective gasp from the crowd, and one or two women started to dab at their eyes with their hankies. The Tokyo Association for the Abused Cute Little Things (Regardless of the Number of Legs They Have) started to howl for blood.

"What the hell are you talking about? I don't own a pipe!"

"Oh, he destroyed the evidence," someone from the crowd muttered, and Saitou mentally added a note to Gatotsu that person.

"I hate you!" Soujirou screamed, and tackled Saitou again. Together, they splashed even further into the mud, splattering dirt everywhere.

Groaning, Saitou spat out a mouthful of earth. "Stop it!" he shouted. "Stop it now! I demand you stop it!"

Then to his total, utter humiliation, he heard a very familiar voice call, "Saitou! It's his past! He's remembering his past!" Over the face distorted by rage and grief, he caught sight of a flash of red and groaned miserably.

"What are you talking about?" he roared. "Explain yourself, Battou… Himura!"

"Soujirou was abused as a child!" Kenshin yelled. "He's remembering his past!"

"How's that suppose to help?"

"I hate you!" Saitou gasped helplessly for breath as Soujirou's latest lunge pushed him almost entirely into the mud.

"He thinks you're his father," Kenshin shouted, "Use that to calm him down!"

"What… never!" Saitou spluttered and coughed as mud slid down his throat. "Ok! Fine! How?"

"Be his father!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Be fatherly, Saitou!"

"Define... 'fatherly'!"

Kenshin rolled his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily. "You could start by confirming that you are his father."

"Fine. Seta! Seta! Listen!"

"I hate you!"

Saitou cleared his throat painfully. Thanks to the wrestling and throat-grabbing, his voice was raspy, hoarse, and he sounded like he had just run a marathon. Bravely, he sat up and said, "Seta, I'm your father." Lightning flashed and thunder roared despite the relatively clear skies.

The wrestling stopped immediately, and a great weight was lifted off his chest. Painfully, he lifted his head the best he could, and looked into the startled blue eyes.

"You… you finally… finally… admitted it?"

"Eh…" Saitou cleared his throat loudly and glared at the crowd. "Yeah."

"I hate you!" Soujirou wailed. "Why did you have to put me through all this? Why did you hate me so?"

Saitou groaned miserably and turned to glare at Kenshin. "Now what?" he mouthed.

"Tell him that you love him," Kenshin replied, much too loudly in Saitou's opinion.

"What?" Saitou roared furiously.

"Oh, he's too chicken to admit it," someone from the crowd jeered.

"Say it, Officer! Say it!" someone else called.

"Say it! Say it!"

Saitou stared dumbfounded at the crowd, and they returned his stare with hopeful, eager-for-action ones. "I…"

"You hate me, don't you?" Soujirou panted, his arms starting to tense up as he prepared to pounce again. "You always hated me! Always! You always…"

"Fine!" Saitou roared. "Fine! I get the point!" Groaning, he turned back to face Soujirou.

"Soujirou…"

"Yes?"

"Soujirou, my son…"

"Yes?"

"Say it!" someone from the crowd hissed, and Saitou glared at him.

"Soujirou, my son…"

"You already said that!"

"Soujirou, my son…"

"He's repeating himself…"

"Must be the shock."

"Shut up! Listen, you bas… I mean, dear little eh… boy. I, as your (imaginary) father have always loved you."

"Daddy!" Soujirou cried out, throwing his arms around Saitou as the crowd burst out into happy tears, clapping and cheers.

Saitou groaned and buried his face in his hands. Oh the total, undeniable, unforgettable humiliation. Once he got some sense back into the boy and stopped all this silly back-to-the-past nonsense, he was going to kill him.

"On your feet," he hissed, "You are embarrassing me!"

Soujirou climbed unsteadily to his feet and flashed a huge goofy grin. "Daddy," he mumbled then toppled backwards in a dead faint.

"What the…" Saitou stared wordlessly at the prone figure on the ground then pulled out a cigarette and started to puff on it. "Show's over," he snapped at the crowd, "Everyone go away, now!"

A flash of deep purple and blue.

With a sinking sense of dread, Saitou remained shock-still, the cigarette forgotten between his fingers, staring into the crowd where his wife was standing – with a spade in her hands.

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"Tokio, my love, my splendid wife, my beautiful metaphorical katana," he stammered, trailing miserably behind his suspiciously silent wife, "You must listen to me. That was not what it appeared to be. This boy… this… Soujirou… he has a traumatic past, and thus occasionally lapses into this state where he thinks the person responsible for his current problem is his father or something like that and…" He trailed off when he failed to get a response from his wife. "I was only trying to calm him down like a good policeman," he tried, shooting dark glances at Enishi who was carrying Soujirou over his shoulder, "Since my other subordinates chose not to listen to my orders when I give them."

"Hey, don't blame me," Enishi mumbled, "I was certain Soujirou could kill both you _and_ me bare-handed when in that mood."

"Tell her, Himura!" Saitou roared, turning furiously onto Kenshin. "It was your bloody idea to play that idiot's father anyway!"

Kenshin scratched his cheek helplessly. "Eh… Tokio-san? Actually…" He broke off as a piercing glare was leveled on him.

"This is between me and my husband," she said coldly, "Speak any further and I will ensure that the only place you are going to tonight, is your grave."

"Tokio," Saitou tried, bending slightly to speak to her, "My love, my beautiful, sweetest wife…"

"First Eiji, now this," Tokio broke in, stuffing her pouch furiously into her obi, "Whatever has gotten into you, Saitou? Do you think our home is a half-way house for lost and lonely psychotic orphans?"

There was a long silence then Saitou sighed in relief. "Oh, is that what you were angry about, my love? That is easily settled; Seta can continue staying at the barracks like always and…"

"After you have admitted in front of the entire town that you are his father?"

"… Well, now that you put it that way…"

Tokio threw up her hands in disgust. "Always the man of action, aren't you, my lord?"

Saitou drew himself up. "We of the Shinsengumi are used to being hated all the time. This shall be no different."

"No different?" Tokio shrieked. "I'm _not_ of the Shinsengumi, Saitou Hajime, and I refuse to be stared at every time I step into the market for a little grocery shopping!"

Kenshin and Enishi exchanged brief glances as Saitou visibly cringed under his wife's wrath. "Then my love…"

"He will just have to move into our house too."

There was another brief silence during which Kenshin, Enishi and Eiji all exchanged glances with each other (how they accomplished that unanimously is something even this author does not know).

"So…" Saitou began slowly, "I am going to adopt Seta Soujirou, the Tenken, former right-hand man of Shishio, who is capable of running faster than the speed of light, killing off half of Japan in less than two days, and who occasionally goes crazy because of his traumatic past?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Oh my…"

"Hey, hey!" Enishi piped up. "What about me?"

"What _about _you?" Saitou snarled, busy indulging in self-pity.

"Well, you said that Pretty-Boy and I have to stick together right, because of our guard squad?" Enishi cued, gesturing at the ring of weapons around them. "How are we to do that if we both live in different places?"

There was a long silence then Saitou groaned. "Now, I am about to adopt an ex-mafia boss who is capable of obtaining any kind of weapon made by man, and who speaks to his dead sister all the time?"

"It would appear so, my lord."

"I should start considering seppuku."

"Do that, my lord, and I shall introduce you to the new spade I bought just earlier this day."

"Oh right…"

Enishi and Eiji exchanged amused looks then secretly slapped each other high-fives.

"Being the best friends in the world will be so much easier this way," Eiji whispered.

"You don't say," Enishi whispered back, smirking at the look on Saitou's face.

"Hey!" Kenshin yelped suddenly. "Doesn't that mean I'll become related to Saitou by… eh… marriage… because Tomoe was my wife… and so Enishi is my brother-in-law… and if Saitou adopts Enishi then…"

Saitou's eyes bulged out (the best they could, given their miniscule size). "I've become Battousai's father-in-law?"

There was a long silence as both party walked dazedly, still reeling in the terrible news.

"But that's ok, right?" Saitou tried. "Because… I mean, I've tried to kill you a million and one times already, which is perfectly normal father-in-law… son-in-law relationship, right?"

"Well… yeah, I guess. I wouldn't know. Both my wives didn't have fathers… not that I know with Tomoe, anyway…" Kenshin trailed off miserably. "My father-in-law is Saitou Hajime… oh god, the horror! I've got to keep this from Kaoru…"

Enishi watched on in amusement as Kenshin tried to deal desperately with the news. Then he tilted his head to his right. "Hey, Saitou!" he called. "What about nee-san? Is she adopted too?"

Saitou leveled an eye on him. "Since adopting you is obviously a two in one package, yes." He scowled on the ground. "At least I don't have to _talk_ to her."

"Cool," Enishi smirked.

Suddenly, there was a low groan from his shoulder, and he turned his head the best he could to look.

Slowly, the baby blue eyes opened and Soujirou lifted his head painfully. "Oh… my head… huh?" he mumbled. "What happened? What am I doing up here?" Then he caught a glimpse of Saitou's death-inducing glare, grinned and chirped, "Hi, Saitou-san! So what did I miss?"

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Enishi folded his shirt in two and carefully packed it into a piece of cloth (just like nee-san instructed), staring at Soujirou out of the corner of his eye.

"Do you think he's alright?" he whispered to Eiji, who was helping Soujirou pack his things.

"I don't know," Eiji whispered back, "I don't have much experience with psychos. The only ones I have ever met are Saitou-san… and of course, Tokio-san."

Both of them turned and watch Soujirou, who was curled up in a corner and talking to himself as he rocked gently.

"You shouldn't have told him the news so quickly," Eiji decided, "You should have broken it to him gently."

"Hey, how was I supposed to know?" Enishi demanded defensively. "All I did was say, 'Hey, Saitou Soujirou. Guess what? We're brothers now, and our father's the infamous Saitou Hajime. Oh, and our brother-in-law's Himura Battousai. Now ain't that cool?' How was I to know that it would induce a… fit? I took it well, because now we've come from a line of great war heroes."

Eiji rolled his eyes. "When Saitou-san told me he was taking me in, _I_ went into a fit. You're the abnormal one, Enishi-kun! You even engineered your own adoption."

"Nee-san thought it was a good idea," Enishi scowled, "Right, nee-san? Because now Saitou can't kill me or Tokio-san will have his brains for dinner."

Carefully, Eiji tilted his head and stared at Enishi's immediate background. "You know, Enishi-kun," he said slowly, "I meant to ask you about this; who on earth is this 'nee-san' you keep mentioning?"

"Oh, my sister. She's dead," Enishi informed him, "She got killed by Battousai… you know, the red-head who was with us today? Our new brother-in-law… well, not so new for me anyway…"

"And you can talk to her?"

"Sure. She's right here in this room now."

Slowly, Eiji returned his eyes to Soujirou's undergarments. "Enishi-kun…"

"Yeah?"

"For my honour, I must first inform you that I am not a coward, and that I am not a sissy-pant."

"Ok?"

"Because I am going to start screaming very loudly and run out of the room right about… now."

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On the first floor, Saitou smoked moodily, leaning against one of the canons. "You know," he remarked. "When I first married Tokio, I always dreamed about how our children would look like. And, the only part about my daydreams that came true is the part about at least two of them being great fighters." The men kept their weapons firmly fixed in the direction of the barracks.

"That sucks huh," he went on, "Hell, I actually tried to kill two of them before. Of course, that is perfectly normal fatherly behaviour. At least, I've seen it happen with bears. I guess that's why kids can often outrun adults." He shuddered. "Saying 'I love you' is so not natural. Only Battousai would think it was natural." One or two weapons trembled slightly before the hands holding them steadied themselves again.

He raised one eyebrow as Eiji suddenly came flying down the stairs, screaming loudly, before disappearing in a cloud of dust. "Hmm…" he noted, "must have just started to register that his two new brothers belong in a mental asylum." He shook his head disgustedly at the vanishing black dot that was his adopted son. "Seems Seta… I mean, Soujirou has already taught Eiji the basics of Shukuchi. Ah well… I suppose that could be considered perfectly natural brotherly behaviour…"

He moved to snuff his cigarette out on the canon. Immediately, a hundred and twenty-six eyes widened and turned on him in a panic.

"Ah… but you never know," Saitou went, pausing with the cigarette still in his hand, "maybe we could get along. That Seta… Soujirou is sufficiently obedient and easily kicked around… for a while at least, until he goes psycho… and that Yuki… Enishi, that boy could be useful in hunting down all those criminal organizations and… Eiji… Eiji… Eiji… Eiji… could be a messenger boy? Hmm…" The cigarette continued its downwards descent and sixty-three mouths dropped open slightly in terror.

"On the other hand," Saitou mused, his hand pausing again, "With sufficient training, I'm certain I could make Eiji quite the swordsman. Then he can go torment Battousai's descendants the way I torment Battousai… my… suddenly… son-in-law…"

"Saitou!" Enishi crowed, emerging from the barracks with one arm laden with baggage and the other occupied by a shaking Soujirou curled up in a fetal position. "We're ready to go!"

Saitou scowled. "Ok." A hundred and twenty-six eyes relaxed and sixty-three mouths closed as the cigarette was dropped harmlessly on the ground and squashed out.

"Say, did you see Eiji?" Enishi asked, looking quite comfortable despite his load. "I'm sure I heard him run out."

"He's probably off playing somewhere," Saitou muttered distractedly.

"Hey," Enishi went on, "so, do I continue calling you Saitou, or do I call you Father?"

"Father!" Soujirou squeaked, his eyes widening.

"Hey, glad you agree with me, Blue-Boy," Enishi remarked, smirking.

"Saitou will do," Saitou growled.

"Ok… hey, Eiji!" Enishi stooped towards the bush by the side of the road suddenly, bending over and picking up a white-faced figure. "What're you doing in the ditch?" When he got no response, he simply shrugged and tossed Eiji on top of Soujirou. "Hang on, buddy."

"Father…" Soujirou whimpered.

"Nee-sam…" Eiji whimpered back. Both of them exchanged looks before clutching each other fearfully.

"Aw, isn't that cute," Enishi sneered, "Acting brotherly already. Where's my share? I'm your brother too!"

Saitou shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "If you guys want to group hug," he growled, "Do it somewhere else, please. I don't want to go blind."

"Father!" Soujirou squeaked.

"Nee-san!" Eiji squeaked back. Both of them clutched to each other (and a handful of Enishi's hair each) harder.

Saitou shook his head. "Both of you get down on walk on your own now!" he roared. "Or I'll show you something even worse than Fathers and Nee-sans!"

Slowly, Soujirou and Eiji slid to the ground. "There now," Enishi smirked, "Let's start with the baby steps, babies!"

"Hey!" Eiji protested snapping out of his daze. "That's big brother behaviour!"

"Yeah," Enishi shot back, "but I'm the oldest kid here, right?"

"But I was adopted first!" Eiji retorted.

"So? I'm still older than you… or speed-addict here."

"Yeah, but I…"

Soujirou was between them suddenly. "What about me?" he asked, smiling brightly, seeming to have slid back into his usual mood.

"Not you too, pretty-boy! You obviously belong in the middle."

"Yeah! I was adopted first…"

Saitou spun around, his eyes smothering. "The three of you shut up!" he thundered. "Or I'll Gatotsu the three of you up your…" He hesitated, trying to find an appropriately fatherly word, "… up your behind," he ended lamely.

Enishi and Eiji exchanged looks. "Ok," Enishi said bravely, "but that means you've got to settle who's the oldest here. I mean, Eiji was adopted first, but I'm older!"

"What about me?" Soujirou asked again.

"Oh, you're definitely the middle-child," Eiji said immediately.

"Yeah, you've got the middle-child disposition anyway."

Soujirou smiled and stared off into the distance dreamily. "Ok," he conceded, "I'll take middle-child."

Saitou eyed Soujirou suspiciously before turning back to his other two new sons. "Well…" he began, "We could easily settle this with a battle…"

"But that's not fair!" Eiji wailed. "I haven't learned how to fight properly yet because my _father_ is always too busy to teach me!"

Saitou raised an eyebrow. "But just now you performed quite a stunning basic Shukuchi move."

"Shukuchi? Is that like… edible?" .

"Eh… never mind then." Saitou rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Or, we could easily settle it the Shinsengumi way…"

The three brothers exchanged swift, frightened looks. They have heard much about Shinsengumi _methods_. Most of the time, those methods involved a wakizashi or tanto, a second and a lot of blood. Sometimes, it involved rope, swords and a large, terrified audience.

"Eh… what Shinsengumi way is this?" Enishi asked cautiously.

"Oh," Saitou said distractedly, "it's a very easy and clean method. It's a kind of hand game called tanto, paper, stone."

There was a long silence then Eiji questioned, "Hand game?"

Saitou smirked. "Okita was the one who invented this. What did you expect? Seppuku?"

"Yes."

Smirking, Saitou shook his head. "The Shinsengumi reputation has spread so far," he said. "We don't always do seppuku…"

"Really?"

"Sometimes we do executions instead."

"Oh…"

"So what are you boys waiting for anyway?" Saitou demanded. "Settle this issue once and for all. Just do it this way… see?"

"Eh… ok…"

Enishi, Eiji and Soujirou faced each other.

"Tanto…"

"Paper…"

"Stone."


	9. Freedom at last

Hi people! This is the last and final chapter of the story! Sorry if it's a little rushed, because I was getting a little sick of this story. Anyway, do enjoy it all the same ok!

RK does not belong to me!

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Tokio smiled demurely into the distance. "Welcome home, my husband, and my children," she murmured, looking down and not meeting their eyes, "I have waited long and hard for this moment. Please do come in. Eldest first, of course."

Saitou smirked, stepping in first.

Slowly, Tokio raised her head slightly and watched her three new children. There was a long pause then Soujirou grinned and entered first.

"Greetings, Tokio-san," he said happily.

"I believe, you mean Mother?"

"Oh… eh… yeah, but you must know before hand that "mother" has many bad connotations for me."

"That is fine. I do not intend to change that fact."

"Oh… eh right."

Tokio flashed another sweet smile as Soujirou passed her. "And who's next?"

Looking slightly put off, Eiji entered next. "Mother," he called.

"Good boy," Tokio murmured, "And last of all…"

Enishi stepped in. "Yo, Mum."

"Mother."

"Oh… eh… Mother."

"Good boy." Smiling, Tokio turned to face her three new children. "I shall let it be known now," she said sweetly, "that I intend to treat all three of you equally. If one burns in hell, all will burn in hell."

"Ok."

"Fine with me."

"I understand."

"And I intend to let all of you burn in hell – equally, of course."

"Eh… ok."

"Good." Drawing up, Tokio slipped a small piece of paper out of her sleeve. "Now I understand today is a day off for the two of you?" She raised an eyebrow at Enishi and Soujirou.

"Eh… yeah…?"

"Good," she said, "now, we shall have a very interesting day today… together, as a family, hmm? Since we are such a newly established unit, I am sure we need to spend some time together in order to bond properly."

"Eh… ok…"

"So," Eiji asked, "what are we going to do? Can we go fly a kite together? Or play ball together?"

"How about practicing katas together?" Soujirou chirped.

Tokio smiled. "Of course we can do all that," she giggled, "but, I think we should start with cleaning the lavatory."

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Walking slowly, Saitou sauntered into a corner and drew out a cigarette. He was almost home, and quite in time for dinner, but he was not approaching his house, not yet at least.

The reason for his reluctance was a group of men standing inconspicuously around the approximate area of his house. They were so inconspicuous in fact, that they stood out quite a bit from the rest of the crowd moving around his house.

And of course, he really wanted to enjoy a good smoke without Tokio glaring down her nose at him.

But that was beside the point.

What was really important (really), was that he was curious as to who those men were. He did not recognize them, and he had an excellent memory for enemies and criminals.

_Unless…_ the idiots up at the administration had accidentally (or not so accidentally) spilled the beans on his identity, and this were the men who were out to get him for revenge or otherwise.

If that was the case, he would be up the whole night killing off the whole government.

The reason behind their presence there was not so obvious, but their intentions most certainly were. For one, he could see quite a number of hidden weapons. The weapons were in actual fact hidden very well, suggesting they were professionals, which was precisely why he saw that they had weapons. They were too inconspicuous to not be armed, and once he knew that they were armed, he knew exactly where to look.

Well, whatever the case was, he was going to take them on right here, right now. There was no way he was dragging Tokio into one of this messy testosterone-driven fights. She was too lady-like for such nonsense.

Clearing his throat to draw attention to himself, Saitou straightened up, snuffed out his cigarette and started to approach the men.

It was at that moment, however, that one of his newly acquired sons chose to appear at the front gate, carrying a bucket filled with unidentifiable contents.

"Night soil!" Eiji warned then flung it out of the gate carelessly.

There was a long, tensed moment, then Saitou covered his face and sniggered to himself as the men started to advance towards the house.

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Eiji knew he was in trouble. How he knew that, he wasn't sure. It might have been the way the men were glaring at him through the… unmentionables dripping down their faces. Or it could have been the way they were waving their swords at him. Either way, he was almost certain he was in trouble.

"How dare you, kid!" inevitably, one of them roared. "Do you know who you have just insulted?"

"No?" Eiji tried, backing off rapidly.

"Oh, you think you're smart, don't you?" one of them sneered.

"Actually… eh… no?"

"Oh you think you're smart, huh?"

"Eh… you're repeating yourself, actually…"

"Oh, you think you are _so _smart…"

A little tired of hearing the false accusations being repeated, Eiji turned and started to run, only to be caught by the collar.

"You little spawn of the devil!" one of the men roared. "You shall pay for this!"

Now, many people would think that being held two feet above the ground by the collar with a man holding a sword towering over you is a hopeless situation. In actual fact, it is not. In such a situation, there was only one thing to do, and, as Eiji would repeat many times later, only he would have the courage to do anything as stupid as that.

Drawing in a deep breath, Eiji puffed out his chest and yelled, "Help! Murder! Child abuse! Rape!"

A distance away, Saitou tripped over his own feet and did a perfect, joke-book worthy face plant, which (he would many times later) deny he had done, even after it was published in the local joke book by a certain rebel anti-Meiji media personnel. Controversy over the truth of the event would eventually save Saitou from international infamy.

"Help!" Eiji screamed, trashing as hard as he could. "Help! Help! Help!"

"Shut up!" the man holding on to him yelled, and raised his sword. "And die!"

And, it was at that exact critical moment that the heroes entered into the fray. An inexplicable white light beamed down from the sky and lit them up, giving them the appearance of burning with a white flame. Both Enishi and Soujirou froze, each holding a large bucket filled with unmentionable content between them.

"Eiji?" Soujirou called. "What are you doing? Stop playing with your friends and come help us or Tokio-san will be so mad at you!"

"Help me!" Eiji shrieked. "They're trying to kill me!"

Soujirou and Enishi exchanged quick looks then simultaneously lowered their heads to stare at their own sword-deficient belts.

"Eh…" they began together. Fortunately for Eiji, the group of not so inconspicuous men decided to make up their minds for them.

"Charge!" one of them roared, and Eiji found himself flung unceremoniously into Tokio's favourite bonsai tree as the men abandoned him for bigger prey ('not that much bigger', Eiji would protest later).

"Soujirou," Enishi said slowly as the men thundered towards them, "exactly how good are you at hand-to-sword combat."

"Very good, actually."

"Oh, then that's fine…"

"But only when I'm the one holding the sword."

"Oh…"

"Yeah…"

"Then I suppose…" Enishi began, holding out his arms, "this is goodbye then, huh?"

"Oh, most definitely," Soujirou replied, extending his own arms.

In the blink of the eye, Soujirou flung Enishi over his shoulder. "Goodbye!" they cried together as Soujirou took off as fast as he could go.

"Wait!" Eiji shrieked then regretted it immediately when the men turned back to him.

"Get him!" they shouted, powered by bloodlust and indecision.

"N…" Just as Eiji started to raise his hands to cover his eyes, a dark figure shot in from the front gate.

"Gatotsu!" Saitou roared as he tunneled a straight passage through the rubble of men. Spinning around, he slid back into a ready position. "Imbeciles," he said coldly, "attacking the house of S… Goro Fugita? How dumb can you get? No, wait! Don't answer that; I really don't want to know."

"Oh, so you think you're smart aren't you?" one of the men sneered. Saitou raised an eyebrow.

"Precisely."

"Oh, so you do think you're smart don't you?"

"I already…"

"Oh, so you think you're…"

Saitou growled and kicked the man away. "For the love of all things honourable!" he snapped. "Stop repeating yourself, man!"

With another roar, he thundered through the crowd again, sending more men flying into the air. "Gatotsu! Gatotsu! Gatotsu! Gatotsu!" He paused to light a cigarette. "Gatotsu! Gatotsu! Gatotsu… I'm getting out of breath…" He paused to spit out the cigarette and ground it out. "Gatotsu!"

He smirked as he looked back at the remaining men, who looked, understandably, rather shell-shocked.

"Saitou-san! Watch out!" Eiji shrieked from behind.

Half-turning, Saitou looked up into the business end of a sword flying towards him. He took one swift step back and raised his sword.

Slowly, he's eyes narrowed in a frown. A sword had gone through the man flying at him, but it wasn't his sword.

Raising and eyebrow, Saitou's eyes followed down the length of the katana to blue-sleeved arms.

"Hi, Saitou-san!" Soujirou chirped happily.

"That," Saitou said slowly, "is your sword."

"Uh huh!" Soujirou confirmed, letting the man slide off the sword. "Enishi and I made a detour to the police station to pick up our swords."

"That is the sword which I confiscated."

"Yup!"

"Which, I distinctly remember telling you, never to touch without my permission."

"Oh, actually I wanted to use the katana you keep on your bedroom wall… you know, the family heirloom…" Saitou's eyes widened dramatically "but Enishi insisted that he only looks good when he uses his own sword, so… ah well, it only took a couple of seconds using Shukuchi…" Saitou breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Well then," Saitou said slowly, "the two of you will annihilate this whole bunch of fools save for one who I will interrogate with much pleasure later, and ensure Tokio's and Eiji's safety, understood?"

"Yes sir!" Soujirou replied, turning to leap into the fray when the blunt side of a sword caught his head. "Wh…"

"I told you never to say that phrase now, didn't I?' Saitou glared.

Soujirou rubbed the back of his head painfully. "Right… so anyway…" Smiling nervously, he turned around and dove straight into the mass of flying men (courtesy of Enishi and his Wa Tou Jutsu).

Lighting a cigarette while carefully incapacitating a man, Saitou exhaled with a look of contentment on his face. This was the life! Destroying evil, defending the innocent and having a good smoke. What more could a man ask for?

"On your feet!" he commanded Eiji. "You may not be able to fight like a man, but you will at least die a man!"

"I am only a boy!" Eiji wailed. "To die a man, I have to live for at least another five years!"

"Nonsense!" Saitou snorted, whacking a man away. "There is no such thing as a boy, remember? Only a _young_ man."

Eiji scowled but nodded. Then he gasped. "Tok… Mother!" he screamed. "Don't come here!"

Saitou jerked, turning back towards the fray. Tokio had just rounded around the house, unaware of the fight that was going on.

"Mother!" Eiji gasped again. A man had noticed Tokio and was charging towards her.

"Damn!" Saitou yelled, leaping forward, running as fast he could. "Tokio! Tokio!"

Tokio looked up. A hand flew to her mouth, and she took three steps backwards, the house blocking her from Saitou's view.

Through the sound of his feet pounding on the ground, Saitou heard Tokio give a half-scream. Cursing under his breath, he leapt forward, and rounded the house.

Then dodged just in time to avoid a man flying past his head.

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Saitou cleared his throat, shifted his feet, and tried to look useful. "Are you sure you don't need help, my love?" he questioned.

"Quite sure, my lord."

"Oh well… it's just that… are you sure you don't need me to hold that for you?"

"No, my lord. Why don't you go get some water for the boys? I'm sure they must be thirsty after this dreadful fight."

"Oh well… if you insist but…"

"There! Done!" Tokio stood up and smiled sweetly at the shaking, shell-shocked men before her. "You have been bad boys, haven't you?" she chided gently, "I'm afraid you'll have to be punished of course."

"Who are you?" one of them asked, quavering miserably. "How did you… do all that… with… with… with just a…"

"She's my wife," Saitou said calmly. "Now be quiet while she arrests all of you."

"She's your wife?" one of the men stuttered. "You must be a Buddha-like man to marry such a…"

"Oh be quiet," Tokio insisted, "now, are all your hands firmly tied together?"

"Y…. y… y… yes mmmmmma… ma'am… "

"Good," Tokio beamed. "Now, all on your feet please."

Very slowly, the men started to climb to their feet.

"And, the dear police escorts there will send you all to the police station," she informed them cordially. "No one, and I repeat, no one is to try to escape, understood?"

"Y… yes ma'am!"

"Good, because I would not like to run all over Tokyo with a spade in my arms…"

"No ma'am!" someone shrieked. "We wouldn't escape, we swear! Just don't pick up the spade!"

"If you insist," Tokio replied, "now, my lord, would you be so kind as to carry this spade for me to the shed? It is really rather heavy, you know."

"Absolutely," Saitou said, picking up the spade. He made a mental note to douse off all the blood and slime before putting it away to prevent rusting. After all, for all he knew, the next person the spade was used on might be him.

Tokio smiled sweetly at him before tottering over off to the kitchen to get some drinks for the children.

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At the front pouch, the three children sat, staring at the policemen hoisting the criminals away.

"Mother was really harsh on them," Enishi noted, wiping his sword down.

"They broke her favourite bonsai plant," Soujirou reminded him, "and uprooted a number of her edible crops too. I guess it was understandable."

Eiji fingered the edge of his sleeve. "You guys came back for me," he said finally, "I thought you guys would abandon me."

"Why would we do that?" Enishi asked curiously. "You're not the brother of a woman whose fiancé was killed in some distant city, right?"

"Yeah," Soujirou piped up, "and it's not like you're illegitimate or anything."

Eiji shrugged. "Don't know why I thought that; must have been the sight of you guys running off that inspired that huh? Anyway, guess that kind of makes us best friends now, huh?"

"Why?"

"I don't know… going through disaster together thing, right? I mean, those guys really screwed up Mother's gardens. And they really dirtied the place. Guess who has to clean up the whole place right now?"

"And it wasn't our fault either," Enishi muttered, "stupid, house-destroying people. It is so rude, don't you think, that they actually attacked a _civilian_ house? People live there you know; they have to clean up after you're done. Disgusting!"

"Right," Eiji mumbled, rolling his eyes, "you know, Saitou-san did tell me about the time you attacked the Kamiya dojo…"

"Hey, that was different! That was a mistake!"

"Oh?"

"Besides, a dojo isn't really a house, it's a… building."

"Where people live?" Soujirou questioned, raising an eyebrow. "I know Himura-san and his family lives in that dojo…"

"Oh shut up!"

"Uh uh, you can't say that to me. I'm the eldest here, remember?"

Enishi glowered angrily. "Whatever," he muttered.

"Oh boys?"

All three of them stiffened suddenly, aware of a growing danger behind them. Together, as a group, they slowly rotated to look behind them. "Smile," Soujirou whispered.

Three grins lit up as three tensed, "Hi, Mother" came through teeth clenched tightly together.

"Drinks?" she questioned, smiling demurely.

"Eh… thanks?"

Slowly, the three of them retrieved the cups from the tray and exchanged looks with each other.

"Eh…" Enishi looked around. "Excuse us, Mother, but we… the little boys have eh… some unimportant stuff to discuss."

"Of course."

Huddling together, Enishi held up his cup in the middle of the group. "What if it's poisoned?" he hissed.

"I was thinking the same thing," Soujirou whispered. "If she's still mad about her garden, there's no telling what she'll do."

"Then what do we do?" Eiji asked nervously. "We can't _not_ drink! She'll get angrier."

"Eh… ok, look," Soujirou mumbled, "we drip a little on the grass ok? And if nothing happens to it, we drink."

"Ok." Clearing his throat and trying to look innocent, Enishi jerked his hand a little. "Oh… oops!" he called. "Spilled a little." All three of them kept their eyes on the grass.

"It looks ok," Eiji said dubiously.

"M… oh no…"

All three of them stared in dismay as a thin wisp of smoke started to rise from the grass. Curling up, the grass turned brown and withered away before bursting into a tiny shower of sparks.

"… Yikes…"

"So, now what?" Eiji asked.

"Well…"

"What's the matter boys?"

All three froze again before turning to look at Tokio.

"Yes, Mother?" Soujirou asked, grinning forcefully.

"Don't just talk," Tokio purred, "Go on, drink up!" She smiled innocently.

The three boys exchanged looks. "Actually, Mother we…"

"Soujirou!" Saitou snapped, appearing suddenly. "On your feet! I've got an errand for you."

"Yes… Saitou-san!" Soujirou yelped, leaping to his feet in delight. He beamed happily; he could have hugged the man, not that he would ever hug Saitou.

"Both of you get down to the carpenter who lives two streets away and get him over here," Saitou instructed, "Someone needs to fix that shed before it collapses."

"Consider it done!" Soujirou cried.

"Wait!" Eiji called. "I'll come along too!"

"Me too!" Enishi agreed.

"And why would I need to send three people to go fetch one carpenter?" Saitou asked suspiciously.

"Well…" Eiji looked at Enishi helplessly.

"Because the carpenter may need someone to carry his stuff for him," Enishi blurted, "I mean, he has to fix the shed right? That's got to require quite a lot of wood…?"

Shooting them a suspicious glare, Saitou nodded. "Ok. So what're you waiting for? Go!"

"Right!"

And as the three of them rushed out, they vaguely heard a female voice said, "But my lord, you just foiled my…"

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The breeze kicked up, sweeping the scent of spring over the city. With a deliberate slowness, the three figures trudged down the road.

"The carpenter's is just around the corner," Enishi groaned.

"And once we reach there, we've got to go home," Eiji scowled. "They are out to get us!"

"Not us, just Enishi and me," Soujirou sighed. "It's… a Miburo thing, I guess."

"In their eyes," Enishi elaborated, "we're still evil."

"Yeah, but my cup was poisoned too," Eiji argued. "I bet it was."

"Then, it could be a Shishio-thing," Soujirou decided.

"Kill the weak," Enishi elaborated.

In silence the three of them continued walking down the road.

"So what?" Eiji questioned. "We go back and let them kill us?"

"Do we have a choice?" Enishi demanded.

"Don't we?" Soujirou murmured.

The other two turned to look at him. He was staring down a side path. In fact, it wasn't just any side path; it was the side path that led out of the city into the lesser known marsh areas.

"Saitou will kill us," Enishi said finally.

"If he can catch us," Eiji argued.

"All our belongings are back there."

"I came here with only the clothes on my back and the sword at my belt," Soujirou shrugged.

"And at the worst," Eiji said, "we can all find proper jobs."

Again there was a long silence as the three of them stared at each other. Then slowly, their eyes returned to the side path.

Birds are a symbol of freedom, because they could fly off as far as they wanted into the clear blue sky. Yet, because of that, the only thing birds ever yearned for are a place to stay, to rest and to feel secure. Right now, they had everything they could have ever asked for; a home, a job, a family. If they stayed, there would be no more running, no more nights out in the winter cold, no more wondering when the next meal would come. If they stayed, they would have a place to return to.

And it was with that thought in their minds that they made their decision.

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"Ah!" Kaoru cried happily. "It has been such a long time since we've all gone out for dinner together now, isn't it, Kenshin?"

"Yes, Kaoru," Kenshin smiled, holding a struggling Kenji, "this is indeed a long-awaited event." He smiled at Yahiko who scowled but looked pleased.

"There's nothing for me to be happy about," the teenager growled. "I'm the one paying for the bloody meal."

Eyes glinting menacingly, Kaoru spun around and thrashed Yahiko over the head. "Don't use such language in front of Kenji," she growled.

"What?" Yahiko demanded, rubbing his sore head. "It's not like he understands it!"

"Hey, hey," Kenshin called, coming in between the pair, "come on now, let's not…" He broke off suddenly when a piece of paper fluttered right into his face. "Wh…"

"What's that?" Yahiko asked curiously, pulling the sheet of paper off. "Hey, it's an emergency bulletin dated today!"

Huddling together, the four of them turned and stared at the bulletin.

Emergency: Read all about it! Read all about it! A warrant has been sent out for one Seta Soujirou, one Yukishiro Enishi and one Mishima Eiji. Seta Soujirou and Yukishiro Enishi are highly dangerous criminals, who are very good with the sword. Mishima Eiji, while much younger and has no experience with any form of martial arts, is deadly with a plate of tempura, sashimi or even just a pair of chopsticks. They are to be considered armed and dangerous. If citizens spot these characters, they are to report immediately to Goro Fugita of the Tokyo Police Headquarters.

"Oro!" Kenshin yelped as Kaoru's eyes expanded to astronomical sizes.

Yahiko sighed dramatically. "Why are you guys so shocked?" he demanded. "I'm more surprised that it took them so long to run away."

"What are you talking about?" Kaoru cried. "They took off! They've become criminals again!"

"Enishi has gone down the path of misguidance again, that he has," Kenshin mumbled worriedly. "What am I to tell Tomoe? She must be horribly disappointed in me."

"I'm sure Soujirou must have misguided him!" Kaoru exclaimed angrily.

"Then I have let down Soujirou too, that I have," Kenshin mumbled, wringing his hands.

"And Eiji! The combined influence of those two must have fried his brains!"

"Then I have let down Eiji's dead family, that I have."

"Saitou must be going crazy searching for them! I bet his beautiful wife is worried sick!"

"Then I have let down Saitou and his wife, that I have."

"We have to go after them!" Kaoru decided.

"That we must," Kenshin agreed.

"What are you guys panicking about?" Yahiko asked, rolling his eyes.

"They ran away!" Kaoru shrieked. "They're wanted criminals! They…"

"They were under Saitou for two weeks," Yahiko pointed out, "and then they ran away."

There was a long silence then Kenshin and Kaoru exchanged swift looks. "Ah," Kenshin said, relieved, "that makes a lot of sense, that it does."

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Out in the marshes, a fox wandered deep into the night. It hadn't intended to come this far, but prey had been scarce lately. If it could, it would have stayed in the forest, but the hunger pangs had been too much to take.

The bristles on the back of its neck stood up and it shivered. Out here in the dark marshes, evil things lurk. Of course, the fox hasn't exactly seen one of those evil things, but every night, odd cries could be heard, and dark shadows could be seen creeping over the land. Wraiths, it believed the humans called them, terrible shadows of nothingness that brought danger merely out of duty.

It shivered, but tried desperately to quell its fears. It had to eat or it would starve to death; he knew there was food out here if one knew where to look.

_"That is mine!" _

****The fox froze in terror as the loud roar thundered across the wetlands.

_"No, it's not!" _

It whined and crouched down, hiding its snout under its paws desperately, feeling too weak to run.

_"Now, now, boys, I'm sure we can share…" _

It whimpered, flattening its ears against its skull, terrified.

Then out of the shadows they emerged, three towering dark figures, jaws grinding as they tore into meat of some sort. Their eyes and teeth flashed in the dark like phantom spots.

The fox whimpered and prayed for a swift death.

"Hey, it's a fox!" one of them called. "Come look, Enishi-kun!"

"Oh man," the second one exclaimed, "hey, you think they're edible?" The fox squeezed its eyes shut and prayed harder.

"Hey, don't!" the first one protested. "Look at it, it's trembling! You're scaring it!"

"No, I'm not!"

"What's that?" the third figure appeared over the other two. "A fox? I've seen some of those on Mount Hiei. They run like the wind. Terribly hard to catch, I've heard. I know that Shishio-sama used to hunt them." The fox found itself praying so hard it could almost see white shining lights and angels singing hymnals.

"It's starving," the first one said, "look, it's so skinny." For a brief second, the fox really did see a white light. For some reason, it was at the end of a really long, dark tunnel.

"Nee-san likes it," the second one announced, "let's keep it! She thinks it's cute."

"It sure is," the third one agreed, "but it's wild; do you think it will follow us?" The fox's eyes snapped open; the white light had materialized, and now surrounded him in a cool, hazy veil.

"Here, Sou-kun! Offer it some of the steak we stole from the Steak House."

"Here you go, little foxy," the third figure cooed, holding out a piece of meat.

Slowly, the fox inched forward, finding its limbs still too weak to hold its body weight. Cautiously, it nipped the meat from the offering hand. Chewing feebly at the first mouthful of food it has had in days, it raised its eyes to the three figures. The next thing it knew, they were alight in a bright white light.

The third figure smiled at him. It was sitting on the ground cross-legged, holding up his right hand with the palm facing outwards. With its other hand, it gestured gently for the fox to approach it.

Feeling a sense of calmness and enlightenment, the fox crawled softly into the figure's legs and lay down.

If these figures were wraiths, it decided, then they weren't really so bad after all.

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PS: This is a happy ending, as opposed to if they had remained at Saitou's house. (Grins). Love it? Hate it? Go and tell! I had a ball writing this story. It was like a rollercoaster, where I had absolutely no idea where all the turns, flips and wheels are. Guess that's what it's like to write stories, hmm?


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